What your emotions are trying to tell you
Your negative emotions are an absolutely vital part of your experience.
Sorry.
You can’t avoid negative emotions, and as hard as you might try to stuff them down so far, they’ll never see the light of day again, you can’t stop them from coming back either.
So I’m going to share with you:
- a simple framework to understand what your emotions are actually trying to tell you
- how to use your emotions – good or bad – to improve your life
- the one sensation you’re aiming for no matter what, and
- three ways to know which emotions you need to pay the most attention to.
Now, to be clear, I’m not interested in the meaning of specific emotions.
“Anger means you need to write some wrong or assert your boundaries.”
“Sadness means you’ve experienced loss or disappointment.”
That’s actually not as helpful as you might think, because it focuses you on the wrong thing.
These kinds of explanations are all about what’s happening in your outer world.
But instead, we need to talk about your inner world to truly understand the message in your emotions.
Every day, we’re making choices about who we are, what we want to experience, and what we’re going to do next.
And inside each of us, under all the baggage, the trauma, and the limiting beliefs, there’s a deeper, true self that knows what we came into this life to do.
What our intended purpose for this life is. What we want from this life.
Call it your centre, your soul, your higher self, your deeper self, your guidance, whatever.
It’s the part of you that stands strong and keeps you going even when the world around you is falling apart.
The bigger picture of your life, if you like, or the best version of yourself.
And when you experience an emotion, it’s this part of you telling you one simple thing…
…whether your current thought, action, or experience is in alignment with that bigger picture.
That’s it.
Nothing more or less.
Like the guidance system in a missile, your emotions tell you whether you’re heading in the right direction, or headed for a complete train wreck.
No judgement, no recriminations, just information. About your inner world, your thoughts, your actions, your responses.
Are you on track? Or are you making a hash of things?
It’s easy to think that our emotions are caused by what’s happening to us in the moment, but that’s where you’d be mistaken.
While it’s true that our subconscious mind is picking up all kinds of subtle cues from our environment and turning those into information that we respond to – often unconsciously – it’s actually our reaction to that environment that triggers an emotion.
So it’s not the external thing making us mad or scared or happy.
It’s our response to it.
It might seem like a subtle distinction, but it’s all the difference in the world.
Because we usually can’t choose what happens to us, but we sure as heck can choose how we respond to it.
Making sense of your emotions
And making sense of these emotions begins with emotional awareness.
If we don’t even realise what we’re feeling, it’s almost impossible to make sense of what’s going on with us.
And when we’re not aware of our emotions, we’re usually reacting automatically to situations, meaning that our emotions are the ones controlling us.
So to develop emotional awareness, stop and observe yourself regularly throughout the day, for a brief moment, and put a label on what you’re experiencing.
It might take some time, but eventually you’ll start to recognise your different emotional states.
And once you’ve identified what you’re feeling, what do you do with that information?
One of the most useful frameworks I’ve ever come across to help me manage my emotions is something called the Emotional Scale.
The idea is that you take all the emotions we feel on a regular basis and rank them from the worst feeling emotions like fear, depression, or shame, all the way up to the best possible feelings like joy, love and freedom.
The emotional scale
Remember, no emotion is worse than another.
It’s just information.
But the worse an emotion feels, the more out of alignment we are with our best selves, with our “big picture”.
You see, our soul knows what’s true for us, what’s best for us, what’s right for us.
And whatever choice we make, thought we think, or experience we have, we feel emotions that tell us how well we’re aligned with the best and highest version of ourselves.
Moving up the scale
So once you’ve identified how you’re feeling, your goal is simply to move up this emotional scale, to find a better feeling thought, action, or response.
Because that means we’re moving into greater alignment with our best selves and our purpose in this life.
Now, it’s important you don’t try to make too big of a jump here.
This idea is so simple and yet so powerful that I totally understand why you’d want to aim for the best possible feeling right out of the gate.
But going from fear to joy is basically impossible.
It’s too much for most people.
But going from fear to anger, that’s probably doable and actually quite helpful – no matter what the people around you might say.
No matter where you find yourself on the emotional scale in any given moment, the only aim is to move upwards.
Unless, of course, you’re feeling complete and utter joy right now, in which case, what are you doing reading this newsletter?
The most important sensation
What you’ll find as you move up the emotional scale is that there’s one single sensation that tells you you’re moving in the right direction.
This is the feeling you get when you go from fear to worry, anger to frustration, or boredom to anticipation.
Any time you move from a worse- feeling emotion to a better-feeling emotion, you’ll experience relief.
So use relief as your guidepost.
Keep seeking out whatever brings relief over and over and over, and you’ll keep moving up the emotional scale.
Make sure you stabilise yourself at each new emotional level, and then seek out the next better feeling emotion that’s within reach.
Make the best of every situation, go as far as you can each time – and no further – and trust that it is making a difference.
Because it is.
You’re on an emotional journey to a better-feeling place.
And don’t make the mistake of hanging around waiting for external circumstances to change before you can feel better.
Or clinging on tightly to a worse-feeling story simply because it’s “true”.
Who cares what’s true if it makes you feel bad?
Seriously.
Choose to feel better now and watch your external circumstances change in response.
But most importantly of all, do it to feel better, because after all, that’s the whole point – to feel better.
Your emotions are actually helpful
When I finally grasped this concept, it was so liberating.
I stopped telling myself stories about what it meant that I was feeling depressed or afraid, and I instead looked for a slightly better emotion to aim for, which was so much more constructive.
When I got to anxiety, I aimed for boredom.
Once I got to boredom, I started having brief moments where I felt hope.
And little by little, I kept moving upwards.
These days, I spend most of my time in contentment, with a fair amount of optimism, anticipation and courage, and occasional moments of enthusiasm, appreciation, and joy.
But I also dip down now and again to sadness, anxiety, and overwhelm.
But when I do, it’s no big deal because I finally understand what it means and what to do about it.
Which emotions are important?
So how do you know which emotions need dealing with and which ones you can safely ignore?
Here’s three signs you’re experiencing an emotion you probably need to look at more closely.
Firstly, it’s super intense.
The more important your misalignment is, the stronger the associated emotion will be.
So don’t ignore those intense emotions.
They’re trying to get you to change something.
Secondly, it keeps coming back.
If you ignore the emotion the first time you had it, it’s likely to come back and it will keep coming back – and getting stronger – until you deal with whatever’s out of whack.
And finally, it’s really uncomfortable.
If you don’t like the emotion you’re feeling, it’s a good sign you need to take a closer look at your thoughts, actions, and situation.
Figure out where you’re off track and make a course correction.
An example of the message in your emotions
Here’s an example.
Let’s say you’re going about your day when you suddenly receive an email with a subject line, “We need to talk”.
In an instant, your heart is pounding, your mind is racing, and you’re imagining the worst.
You’ve gone straight to fear.
But nothing’s actually happened.
Your fear is just your inner self telling you that you’re focused in the wrong direction, that everything you’re thinking thinking or telling yourself is out of alignment with who you really are and what you really want.
So you notice the fear and start talking yourself into a better emotion, one that’s within reach.
“Oh, no. Have I done something wrong?” (insecurity)
“I hate it when people are so melodramatic.” (anger)
“I wonder what the heck is going on?” (uncertainty)
Just like the pain you feel when you put your hand on a hot stove, prompting you to remove your hand from the hot stove, emotions are just information.
Early warning signs from your inner self that you need to make a change or that you’re headed for something harmful.
And negative emotions are supposed to feel uncomfortable to make sure you pay attention to them.
The problem comes when you deny even having them and refuse to deal with them.
You’re not supposed to shove them away and refuse to acknowledge their existence.
That would be like taping over the “check engine” light in your car or ignoring that burning sensation in your hand.
You haven’t actually fixed the underlying issue.
You’ve just made it more likely that you’ll have a catastrophic meltdown at some point in the future.
Remember, emotions are just temporary information about your current situation.
They don’t define you, and they’ll morph into something else soon enough.
And feeling an emotion won’t kill you no matter how uncomfortable it might make you feel.
How to use your emotions
So use your emotions:
- to understand yourself and what’s most important to you
- to figure out what’s right for you and who you want to be
- to decide the best course of action from where you are right now
- to take constructive action that improves your life; and
- to start feeling better right away
I’ve created a free resource for you that will help you move up the emotional scale and start feeling better:
The Emotional Scale Printable Chart
A quick recap
- Your emotions tell how aligned you are to the best version of you
- Use the emotional scale to start feeling better
- Relief tells you you’re moving in the right direction
- Pay attention to intense, repetitive and uncomfortable emotions
What next?
- Start practising emotional awareness and labelling your experiences
- Keep referring to the emotional scale, and aim for a slightly better feeling emotion each time
- Take time to stabilise yourself at each new emotional level
- Notice the feeling of relief, and constantly strive for that sensation
But even when you understand the message in your emotions, there are times your mind just won’t shut up and those negative thoughts whirl around like a tornado full of sharks.
So in this newsletter, I show you:
- the one skill you’re going to have to develop if you’re going to have any chance of escaping your negative thoughts
- three things you must understand about how your mind works, and
- the only three tricks you really need to break you out of a negative spiral
And now, I think there’s some emotions buried in the backyard I need to go dig up.
And I’ll see you next time.
