If you want to grow, you need to spend more time alone
When was the last time you spent some quality time with yourself?
If you’re like most people, it’s been a long time.
In our modern world, there’s an epidemic of busyness.
If we’re not working, we’re commuting, eating, dealing with family, shopping, cleaning, watching our favourite show, or distracting ourselves on our phone.
On rare occasions, we might also hang out with friends and family or go do something exciting out in the world.
But we’re rarely alone with ourselves, and that’s a big problem.
So I’m going to share with you:
- Why you need to start spending more time alone
- The benefits and challenges of solitude
- Eight key signs you need more time alone, and
- What to expect when you finally do get alone with yourself
We’re supposed to be human BEINGS
Humans are unique amongst all the animals on Earth because we alone have the ability to just be.
Not everything we do has to be about survival or reproduction.
We can sit quietly somewhere and explore our inner world, spending time just to contemplate ourselves and our place in the outer world.
We can consciously choose to evolve.
But because of our busy lives constantly demanding things of us, we end up spending more time doing than being.
Honestly, they really should just call us human doings.
And yet being is so incredibly powerful.
Solitude is NOT loneliness
Now, just to be clear, solitude is not the same as loneliness.
You could be lonely in a room full of people, because being lonely is about feeling socially isolated and disconnected.
But on the other hand, solitude is about spending time by yourself, and being comfortable with that, while still enjoying healthy connections with others.
It’s not about rejecting people, but instead reaping the many benefits that solitude offers and bringing those back into our connections to the world.
Why we need solitude
So why do we need to spend more time alone?
Being constantly surrounded by noise, distractions, and other people has its drawbacks.
According to psychotherapist Alfred Adler, all of our problems stem from interpersonal relationships, which kind of makes sense because we’re inherently social beings, and we simply can’t survive without connection to others.
Trapped by your circumstances?
But who you surround yourself with matters.
I’m sure you’ve heard the expression that “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
And it’s true.
You’re strongly influenced by all of the people around you, to the point where you’re kind of trapped by them.
Not necessarily intentionally, but you’re limited by their quirky world views, their bad habits, and their misguided beliefs about you, about life and about what’s possible.
If your friends are constantly complaining about their day or dealing with the nonstop soap opera that is their lives, it’s hard not to get drawn into it.
And if you resist the pull, they’ll think you don’t care.
Equally, if they’re not living up to their fullest potential, playing it small and staying safe, how are you supposed to buck that trend?
How do you escape the gravitational pull of the people around you?
You basically have two choices.
You either find a new social group that elevates you, which is possible, but brings many challenges of its own, or you start spending more time by yourself.
Are you dependent on others?
And before you rush to say, “Oh, but I love my friends. I couldn’t handle life without them.” consider this.
How dependent are you on your friends to feel good?
Is your connection to them what makes life worthwhile?
While being connected to others is essential for our wellbeing, it seems like we’ve placed too much responsibility on other people for our happiness.
In our attempt to embrace personal expression and social freedoms, we’ve forgotten that building a meaningful life is about more than just the quality of our relationships.
Purpose and fulfilment can also be found in our work.
The things we put out into the world.
The passions and focus that drive us.
And ironically, when we start spending more time alone, our relationships actually improve because we become more sure of who we are and therefore less in need of others’ approval.
We enjoy the company of others, but we’re no longer as dependent on them to feel good about ourselves.
We start becoming a better version of ourselves and in turn, attract people more like us, with confidence and authenticity.
No space for better things
Additionally, when our circumstances stay the same day after day, it’s easy to get complacent and settle for a less-than-stellar life.
To short change ourselves and not express our full potential.
When our lives are full of noise and distractions and people, there’s no room to breathe.
No space to (metaphorically) draw breath and assess the direction our life is headed.
By changing up our environment, whether that’s our social group or the amount of solitude we get, we make space for transformation to occur.
By disrupting the status quo of our lives, things may temporarily become messy and uncertain.
But out of that chaos, something better can emerge if we’re pointed in the right direction and surrounded by the right things.
In solitude, we create room for new ideas to occur, to discover new things about ourselves, to make new choices about our lives and rediscover our purpose.
Research shows that when people find themselves alone without anything in particular to do, they tend to self-reflect.
And self-reflection leads to a better understanding of yourself, who you are, what you want, where you’re headed, what’s not working, and what needs to change.
Benefits of spending time alone
1. Rest and recharge
One of the many overlooked benefits of solitude is simply that it gives you time to rest.
Our busy modern lives don’t generally allow much space for resting and relaxation, and the art of deep rest is lost to most of us.
Relaxation without stimulation is a rare occurrence these days.
But without true rest, we can’t heal our bodies and minds, and being constantly tightly wound leaves no room for better things to come into our lives.
Being with others can also be very draining, emotionally and mentally, especially if you’re sensitive to other people’s energies, which makes taking regular time out absolutely essential.
In solitude, you have the opportunity to recharge your battery so that when you do reengage with the world, you’re better equipped to handle whatever comes your way.
2. Freedom and authenticity
Spending time alone also frees us from the expectations of others, giving us room to be our authentic selves without fear of misunderstandings or judgement from others.
We get to explore and play, discovering more about who we are, our likes and dislikes, and what’s most important to us.
We get to make our own rules without having to compromise our true selves in order to keep other people happy.
3. Focus and concentration
Solitude also allows us to focus more easily on the things that matter and helps us practise concentration, something that many of us struggle with these days.
Our best work happens when we’re in the flow state, and that requires deep focus on something without interruption, which time alone creates room for.
4. Independence and confidence
Being on our own, doing things by ourselves, also increases our sense of agency, our ability to accomplish things.
We become an active participant in our lives, making things happen and seeing ourselves as capable and independent, which builds our confidence that we can do things and we can rely on ourselves.
5. Stronger relationships
And, as I mentioned, this leads to stronger relationships with others because we are more certain, more self-reliant, knowing who we are, and more able to meet our own needs.
We need less from other people to be happy, we make fewer demands of them, and so we become easier for others to be around.
6. Creativity
Being alone, away from the eyes of the world, also creates space for creativity to blossom.
We can let our minds wander, freely express ourselves, experiment with new ideas and imagine without limitation, creating fertile ground for new perspectives and new creations.
7. Self-awareness
Spending time with ourselves also naturally leads to better self-awareness.
Without the hubbub of the outer world, drowning out our inner world, we can become more observant of our thoughts and emotions.
In the quiet of solitude, we’re finally able to put names to our emotions and hear what we’re thinking.
Just by being aware of what’s going on inside of us, we’re so much better placed to control our responses and choose our future.
8 Self-reflection
And of course, solitude allows us time and space to reflect on our experiences, wonder about our choices, and build a stronger connexion with our authentic self.
We can explore our innermost selves, identify patterns of behaviour, and acknowledge our fears and dreams.
We process our experiences, extract learnings from our lives, and get clarity on our priorities.
We become our own best friend and confidant.
We confront our challenges, and we uncover our true selves buried under a lifetime of traumas, faulty beliefs, and bad habits.
In solitude, we can discover self-acceptance, self-love and compassion, improving our relationship with ourselves and strengthening our well-being.
And when we understand and accept ourselves, we’re more able to understand and accept others, further strengthening our relationships.
And when we use time alone to improve ourselves, we’re also more effective when we come together with others because we can focus on making things happen instead of dealing with everyone’s issues.
The challenges of alone time
But solitude doesn’t come without its challenges.
For many people, spending time alone is unfamiliar territory.
So many of us have worked so hard to avoid spending any quality time with ourselves, that when we finally find ourselves there, we’re at a loss as to know what to do.
We’ve forgotten how just to be.
It feels empty and strange, and our instinct is to get the heck out of there as fast as we can, using anything and everything to distract ourselves.
Additionally, when you’re away from everything with nothing to do, there’s a good chance you’ll start experiencing things you don’t really enjoy.
You might notice emotions you’ve been pushing away.
You might find yourself feeling anxious, worried or fearful about things.
You might start remembering things you’d rather forget.
You might realise your life is completely off track.
Focusing inward can be downright painful.
And then, of course, there’s the opinions of others.
Our society places a high value in being social and engaging with others.
So when you start explicitly taking time away from everyone, there might be some resistance from others, real or imagined.
We don’t want to be seen as antisocial, or awkward, or unfriendly, or rude, so we tend to put other people first.
If someone asks something of us, we abandon our carefully made plans and do what’s expected of us.
And that can make finding solitude a real challenge.
Signs you need more time alone
But solitude is essential to our well-being and personal growth, and there’s some common signs that you really need to start spending more time alone.
You may find yourself getting irritable with everyone and everything, with a very short fuse.
You may notice that things seem less fun than usual and that you’re withdrawing from people and activities you’d normally enjoy.
You might have trouble concentrating and feel overwhelmed or overstimulated.
You could be feeling exhausted or always on the go, in a rush, and constantly stressed by everything that’s happening in your life.
You might feel like you’ve forgotten who you are, you’ve lost your sense of self.
Or you might just simply find yourself craving time alone.
Any one of these could indicate that it’s time for you to make solitude a priority.
How I make use of solitude
I’m the kind of person who really needs solitude to recharge and process my thoughts.
I most often get time alone by going for walks, standing in the shower for ages, or when I’m going somewhere in the car or on public transport.
I like to call this mulling time because it’s when I mull things over, roll them around, pull them apart, find patterns and insights, and make sense of them.
There’s usually nothing else for me to directly achieve during these moments (except maybe get clean) so I’m free to explore and reflect.
Usually, I get my best ideas when I’m on my own and thinking things over.
And without my mulling time, I’m never as happy, and I find I don’t grow as quickly as a person.
What happens during solitude?
But what happens when you do finally manage to spend some time alone?
1. It’s all down to you
The first thing you’ll discover in solitude is that everything comes down to you.
When you’re happy, it’s because of you.
When you’re cranky, it’s your fault.
When you’re bored, it’s up to you to deal with it.
There’s no one and nothing else to blame for your experience.
You’re fully responsible, which can be scary, but it’s also incredibly liberating.
When you no longer have an external excuse for what’s going on with you, you’re suddenly free to change.
Genuine transformation only becomes possible when you realise that you’re the one in charge.
2. Just BEING
You’ll also discover that solitude allows for being fully present, noticing the current moment and hearing the profound silence in between those moments.
You’ll discover what it is to just be.
Without pressure or expectation, you’re here in this moment, being yourself, feeling every detail of the now.
Everything else can fall away, your problems are gone – for now – and you can just experience life.
3. Self-reflection
As you start to observe your thoughts and emotions, you’ll also begin to reflect on your life, your actions, your situation.
You’ll start to see patterns in your behaviours and see your current circumstances from a broader perspective.
You’ll be able to hear your doubts and fears, and with practise, acknowledge and accept them.
4. Accept imperfections
And with your increased self-awareness, your imperfections will become something to embrace rather than something to condemn.
You’ll begin accepting yourself exactly as you are.
Not broken, in need of fixing.
Just a wonderfully flawed human being.
5. Deeper connection with self
You begin developing a stronger connection with your inner self, not based on superficial traits, but on a deeper understanding of who you really are, your strengths, your weaknesses, your values, your dreams.
6. Better understanding of the world
Your understanding of the world and your connection to it will improve, and you’ll be able to see why things happen the way they do and your role in all of it.
You’ll understand the importance of the people in your life and the part they play without needing to sort it all out or fix anyone.
7. Stronger purpose and direction
Your sense of purpose and direction will grow stronger, and it’ll get harder to ignore the call to greatness that lives inside each of us.
You’re here to experience something meaningful, and you might just start to see glimpses of that.
Solitude gives you the space to dream and envision the better future that you know is possible.
8. Hear your inner voice
In the silence, you’ll also have better access to your inner voice, your guidance, your higher self, your subconscious mind, your soul, whatever you want to call it.
You’ll be able to finally hear its whispers as it gently nudges you towards the best version of yourself.
9. Stay aligned
And once you know who you really are and can clearly hear that voice, it’ll be so much easier to stay aligned with your true self as you step back into the world and achieve your full potential.
Solitude has so many benefits, worth all of the challenges, and yet we spend so little time in it.
I’ve created a resource for you that will make it significantly easier and more enjoyable to spend more time in solitude, no email required.
Spend More Time Alone (And Enjoy It)
Use the included planner and over 70 suggested activities to create your solitude plan and reap the benefits.
A quick recap
- Solitude allows you to reconnect with yourself and reach your full potential
- Time alone has many benefits, including freedom, focus, independence and creativity
- Be ready for the challenges of solitude, including unfamiliarity, unwelcome thoughts and others opinions
- Watch out for signs you need more alone time, including irritability, less pleasure, overwhelm, rushing or a loss of self
- Expect to experience a range of things in solitude, including just being, self-reflection, a stronger connection to yourself, purpose and direction and your inner voice
What next?
- Pay attention to your circumstances. Are they holding you back?
- Start noticing the signs that you might need to start spending more time alone
- Make strengthening your relationship with yourself a priority
- Use the solitude planner to carve out more time with yourself
- Use the list of suggested activities to make your alone time more enjoyable
- Start spending more time alone and notice what happens
- Embrace the personal growth that comes from solitude
But when you emerge from your solitude back into the world, it’s going to be challenging to remain aligned with who you really are.
So in this newsletter, I explain:
- Why how you feel matters more than anything else
- Three key concepts about feeling good that will help you stay true to yourself
- A simple two-step process for feeling better and staying aligned, and
- Six easy ways to shift how you feel
And now, I think I need to go spend some quality time with myself.
And I’ll see you in the next one.