A better way to think about your ego’s role
There’s so much talk about conquering the ego or killing the ego as if it’s some terrible enemy to be destroyed, but that’s totally not true.
You need your ego.
In fact, you really can’t function without it.
You can’t get rid of it.
You can’t destroy it, and you most definitely can’t kill it.
I’m going to share with you what the ego is supposed to do, how to get your ego to do this, and some examples of the true potential of your ego when it’s used the right way.
Do you want to know what your ego is not supposed to do?
It’s not supposed to make mean remarks about people or leave nasty comments online.
It’s not supposed to spend all of your money in a vain attempt to feel better about things.
It’s not supposed to trample over everyone as it tries to get your needs met.
It’s not supposed to violate the values you hold most dear while it’s thrashing about having a tantrum.
Your ego is not supposed to run your life.
That just ends up hurting you and the people around you.
And honestly, it’s kind of a miserable way to live.
The issue is that your relationship with your ego needs to change.
Your ego is essentially your sense of self.
But the rampaging self-sabotaging ego happens when your mind gets out of control.
In other words, your mind or ego is calling the shots, and making your life miserable, because let’s be honest, it probably has the emotional maturity of a five-year-old.
Sure, it’s great at thinking, being “rational”, kind of, and logical, but emotionally, it sucks.
So the first thing your ego needs to is shut up and start listening to you.
Like an adolescent dog that’s discovered the game of running away when you call it, you need to rein in that ego of yours and teach it to get all of its cues from you, no exceptions.
And when it misbehaves and starts doing whatever the heck it wants, you brook no nonsense, you go get it back on track and sit its hairy butt down right where you are.
In other words, your ego mind is supposed to work for you.
It’s a tool that does amazing work when you give it clear instructions.
But it’s totally not qualified to be running the show.
Another way to think about it is that you get to decide what happens and your ego mind is there to figure out how to make things happen.
You give it a goal, a direction, a clearly defined outcome, and it gets to work doing what’s necessary to get you there.
That’s what the ego is supposed to do, and it’s actually pretty good at it.
The problem comes when you let it decide the what, because like a kid in a candy store, it wants everything all at once without any reference to your long term goals, values, or even your wellbeing.
You might almost feel sorry for it because it wants so desperately to feel loved and safe, just like a tiny little puppy, that it becomes quite destructive, chewing your shoes and pooping under the dinner table.
So if you’re convinced that your ego is evil, maybe the issue is that it’s the one in charge of you instead of the other way around.
And sometimes, maybe even a lot of the time, your ego will tell you complete and utter rubbish to get you to do what it wants.
“I have to buy the latest iPhone right now, or nobody will ever love me again.”
Really?
In the moment, it seems to make complete sense, but you really can’t trust what it says.
Remember, maturity of a five-year-old?
So how do you get your ego to sit down, shut up, and start taking its directions from you.
Here’s three approaches that I’ve used to help get my ego under control.
First, you need to practise taming your mind.
I explain in more detail why that’s so important in this newsletter.
But basically, if you’re not even aware what your ego your mind is thinking and able to observe yourself and catch yourself before you make a bad decision, your ego will ignore you completely.
And before you know it, you’ll be sitting on the floor in a sugar-induced haze with your mouth stuffed full of gummy bears.
So begin by watching yourself, noticing what you do, the thoughts that come along with that, and see if you can introduce a brief pause, no matter how tiny, before you act.
Over time, that pause will open a crack that allows you to refocus your mind and your actions in a more constructive direction.
So keep practising.
Secondly, I highly recommend the work of Byron Katie or any similar questioning-based practise like the Socratic method.
Byron Katie teaches a four-step method that allows you to challenge painful responses or beliefs.
In the moment when you’re feeling bad or stressed or unhappy, you notice what you’re telling yourself about the situation and ask:
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
- How do you react when you believe that thought? And
- Who would you be without that thought?
By asking these questions, you’re weakening your mind’s hold on you and opening up to the possibility that your beliefs and thoughts might be wrong and can change.
Thirdly, you can use the power of the ego against itself.
I really like this trick because if you have a strong will like I do, then it’s kind of fun to use logic to trap your ego mind into working for you instead of against you for once.
How do you do this?
You find something you want to change in your life and come up with a seemingly logical argument as to why it’s so much better than the other options.
Now, your argument may have to be a little ridiculous, perhaps even a long bow, but sometimes, if you can make it compelling enough, your mind will go, “Oh, yeah, that makes complete sense”, and go along with the new way of doing things.
For example, you might say something like,
“If eating an entire tub of ice cream is such a great idea, then why do I feel so freaking awful afterwards?”
Or,
“I know you’re really mad at Bob right now, but do you think calling him a loudmouth fatso is going to make him hand over the TV remote?”
Because even though we’d like to think otherwise, our egos are totally driven by emotional needs.
We just need to find a stronger one that trumps the current one, driving our less than helpful behaviours.
So make sure your new option meets some sufficiently important need, and maybe even lines up with your values and longer term goals if you can swing it, and talk yourself into it.
Argue rationally with yourself if you have to.
Sure, it’s not always simple, but you have a powerful mind, so let’s put it to work.
To make this all a bit less abstract, here’s a couple of examples of the power of your ego when it’s working for you instead of against you.
Example 1 – Getting in shape
Let’s say you decide that you want to get into shape and you know that you have a tendency to skip workouts and sit on the couch instead.
Because you’re the one in charge, you’ve made a decision about the what, and now it’s your ego’s job to figure out the how.
For starters, your ego gets to work finding ideas for types of exercise that you enjoy most, increasing the chances that you’ll stick at it.
It also remembers a story about people putting out their exercise gear the night before, so there’s less effort required first thing in the morning.
You set up a reminder on your phone to lay out your stuff right before bed.
You’re already feeling accomplished.
You also decide to dump a mound of tax paperwork on the couch so that every time you sit down, it’s staring at you with its beady eyes, demanding to be dealt with, making it harder for you to want to spend time there.
As your exercise habit progresses, your ego notices the things that aren’t working so well and finds more tricks to help you stick with it.
And when you fall off the wagon, which invariably will happen, instead of telling you what a failure you are, it helps you get back into the routine, no harm done.
That’s how it’s supposed to work.
Example 2 – Starting a business
Or maybe you decide you want to start your own business.
Instead of your ego telling you all the reasons why it won’t work and doing everything it can to keep you “safe”, it gets to work figuring out the next steps.
It helps you find the right business model.
It notices some relevant books to read and some helpful videos to watch.
It remembers some time management strategies you learned in school to help you make the most of your spare moments in the evenings and weekends.
It learns from your mistakes and helps you constantly improve until one day you wake up and realise you’re living the life of your dreams.
That’s the power of the ego.
That’s what it was born to do.
So tame yours.
Put it to work for you, and create the better life you know is possible.
I’ve also created a free resource that will help you shift your relationship with your ego:
Ego-Weakening Practices Worksheet
A quick recap
- Your ego mind is there to figure out the HOW, not the WHAT
- Control your ego by taming your mind, asking questions, and turning logic on it
- When your ego works for you, you can achieve whatever you set your mind to
What next?
- Start noticing when your ego it running away with itself, and make light of its conclusions
- Challenge as may of your thoughts as you can, using logic to pull your thoughts apart
- Decide on something you want (start small if need be) and set your ego to work on the HOW
But when you start trying to wrest back control from your ego, it’s going to say some pretty awful things to you.
Trust me.
So how do you stop those horrible thoughts in their tracks?
In my next newsletter, I share:
- the one skill you’ll need to master first,
- what you must know about how your mind works, and
- the only three strategies you’ll need to stop negative thinking in its tracks.
And now I think there’s some gummy bears around here that need some eating.
And I’ll see you next time.
