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Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life Paperback – September 1, 2003
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In this internationally acclaimed text, Marshall Rosenberg offers insightful stories, anecdotes, practical exercises and role-plays that will dramatically change your approach to communication for the better. Discover how the language you use can strengthen your relationships, build trust, prevent conflicts and heal pain. Revolutionary, yet simple, Nonviolent Communication offers you the most effective tools to reduce violence and create peace in your life—one interaction at a time.
- Print length222 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherPuddledancer Press
- Publication dateSeptember 1, 2003
- Dimensions6 x 0.49 x 9 inches
- ISBN-109781892005038
- ISBN-13978-1892005038
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Editorial Reviews
Review
"A powerful tool for peace and partnership...shows us how to listen empathically and...communicate our authentic feelings and needs." Riane Eisler, author, The Chalice and the Blade, Tomorrow's Children, and The Power of Partnership
"A simple yet powerful methodology for communicating...one of the most useful books you will ever read." William Ury, coauthor, Getting to Yes, and author, The Third Side
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Nonviolent Communication
A Language of Life
By Marshall B. RosenbergPuddleDancer Press
Copyright © 2003 PuddleDancer PressAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-892005-03-8
Contents
Foreword,Acknowledgments,
One: Giving From the Heart,
Two: Communication That Blocks Compassion,
Three: Observing Without Evaluating,
Four: Identifying and Expressing Feelings,
Five: Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings,
Six: Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life,
Seven: Receiving Empathically,
Eight: The Power of Empathy,
Nine: Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves,
Ten: Expressing Anger Fully,
Eleven: The Protective Use of Force,
Twelve: Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others,
Thirteen: Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication,
Epilogue,
Bibliography,
Index,
The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process,
Some Basic Feelings and Needs We All Have,
About Nonviolent Communication,
About PuddleDancer Press,
About the Center for Nonviolent Communication,
Trade Books From PuddleDancer Press,
Trade Booklets From PuddleDancer Press,
About the Author,
CHAPTER 1
Giving From the Heart
The Heart of Nonviolent Communication
What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.
— Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
Introduction
Believing that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner, I have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions: What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?
My preoccupation with these questions began in childhood, around the summer of 1943, when our family moved to Detroit, Michigan. The second week after we arrived, a race war erupted over an incident at a public park. More than forty people were killed in the next few days. Our neighborhood was situated in the center of the violence, and we spent three days locked in the house.
When the race riot ended and school began, I discovered that a name could be as dangerous as any skin color. When the teacher called my name during attendance, two boys glared at me and hissed, "Are you a kike?" I had never heard the word before and didn't know some people used it in a derogatory way to refer to Jews. After school, the same two boys were waiting for me: they threw me to the ground and kicked and beat me.
Since that summer in 1943, I have been examining the two questions I mentioned. What empowers us, for example, to stay connected to our compassionate nature even under the worst circumstances? I am thinking of people like Etty Hillesum, who remained compassionate even while subjected to the grotesque conditions of a German concentration camp. As she wrote in her journal at the time,
I am not easily frightened. Not because I am brave but because I know that I am dealing with human beings, and that I must try as hard as I can to understand everything that anyone ever does. And that was the real import of this morning: not that a disgruntled young Gestapo officer yelled at me, but that I felt no indignation, rather a real compassion, and would have liked to ask, 'Did you have a very unhappy childhood, has your girlfriend let you down?' Yes, he looked harassed and driven, sullen and weak. I should have liked to start
Product details
- ASIN : 1892005034
- Publisher : Puddledancer Press; 2nd edition (September 1, 2003)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 222 pages
- ISBN-10 : 9781892005038
- ISBN-13 : 978-1892005038
- Item Weight : 13.6 ounces
- Dimensions : 6 x 0.49 x 9 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #80,566 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #33 in Communication Reference (Books)
- #521 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- #2,413 in Psychology & Counseling
- Customer Reviews:
About the author
Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. has initiated peace programs in war-torn areas throughout the world including Rwanda, Burundi, Nigeria, Malaysia, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, the Middle East, Serbia, Croatia, and Ireland. He is the founder and director of educational services for the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC), an international nonprofit organization that offers workshops and training in 30 countries. Dr. Rosenberg is the author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (2nd edition, PuddleDancer Press, 2003).
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Seeking to de-colonize our mental processes of violent attitudes, he illustrates that the language we use has been en-culturated in us, and shows us how we can change our dialogue. By doing so, he demonstrates how we can connect with others and ourselves empathetically. His methods are easy to learn yet hard to master because the difficulty is breaking through the chains that condition us.
Most of us have been taught to place blame and feel shame. These are the feelings that Mr. Rosenberg seeks to bypass to provide us with more constructive ways of dealing with interpersonal and intrapersonal conflict.
Summarizing the communication model he advocates, in dialogue during tense situations first we must state our observations in a non-rebuking manner, with an awareness of the words we use and their potential impact on others. Next we state our feelings, again without placing blame on others. He emphasizes that although others may be a stimulus for how we are feeling only we are in control of our actual feelings. Therefore the words we use cannot assign fault of any kind to others. Then, we state the need that is causing our feeling. Finally, we make a request for action to meet the need we have identified.
Throughout his exposition on method he provides examples and case studies of its use, including times when he had to use the method himself. Then he goes on to illustrate how the method can be used in internal dialogue with ourselves to identify feeling states such as shame. His approach can be be used in both domestic relations and with our professional relationships, promoting better home environments as well as more pleasant work atmospheres.
Obviously, in order to use the method effectively, self reflection is key, and we need to work through our feelings before attempting to initiate dialogue so that we are on guard and are able to choose our words wisely when confronting others. With one minor mis-step we are back in the blame shame game and instead of reaching empathetic connection, interactions will escalate into the angry confrontations that we are used to.
By stepping back, and self reflecting before we confront, we can analyze the particular need that is spurring our anger in a given situation. By stating this need in a non accusatory manner we can relate more empathetically when we do relate to those who are provoking our anger. The same approach works in conflict in which both parties are angry. By recognizing each others needs the parties can begin to work out their conflict more empathetically.
The merit of this model is that it teaches us to become more aware of how we react, provides us skills in self reflection, as well as providing us with a means of getting in touch with our feelings. We react according to how we have been taught. Re-teaching ourselves a new method of interacting and being is the challenge. However, by attempting the model we can begin to understand how much conditioning we have had even if we fail at first.
I like how Mr. Rosenberg puts his main points in bullets making it easy for a reader to take notes. I also like the case studies he included showing the method in action. I doubt the book is as effective as a workshop with Mr. Rosenberg because of all the conditioning we have had that a workshop would increase our awareness of. Still, there is a lot in this book worth reflecting on and this general summary cannot adequately convey how to use this particular approach to dialogue. Readers are encouraged to read what Mr. Rosenberg has to say before attempting the method that he advocates. For anyone seeking alternative methods to interpersonal relations this book is worth checking out.
Regarding some of the negative reviews:
I find it interesting that one review comments this book doesn't give credit to any previous work. I would have found it helpful if the reviewed provided additional resources to direct others too - whether we like the book or not - we could all use help communicating better. Why trash the book, but not provide specific alternatives?
Yes, it provides a list of specific words to use, but I found this extremely helpful and illustrative as examples discussed in the book, and not an end all be all list of words to use. I don't think the author was limiting at all.
Top reviews from other countries
It really puts relationships at the core of life.
I have also applied the active listening with my daugther and I can tell you, she very much appreciate and I also enjoy it.
I have stopped multitasking while people talking to me and give them full attention or visual one.
Please by it we can make a better world for us and our children