What a rude shop assistant showed me about trauma
I had a fascinating encounter the other day with a shop attendant.
I had taken my 17yo daughter on her birthday to get her ears pierced again.
And while the assistant was nice to my daughter, she was an absolute harridan to me.
She:
- Wouldn’t answer questions about healing time issues that she raised in the first place
- Refused to allow me into the treatment room, even though my daughter asked for me to be there (and she’s a minor)
- Sent the receipt to my daughter, even though I booked and paid for the entire exercise
- Was abrupt, dismissive and unhelpful at every turn
The thing is, I’d never seen this woman before in my life.
Never said anything to her before we came in for our appointment.
Never said anything while I was there that could be construed as rude or disrespectful.
Never asked for anything more than information and service.
Nothing. Nada. Nil.
Why was she being rude to me for no reason?
So what the heck was going on?
My spidey senses (aka my intuition) told me loud and clear that I reminded her of someone.
Probably her mother.
Or maybe some other older female in her past experience.
And that did NOT make her feel good.
I reminded her of someone in her past that she HATED with a passion, and unfortunately she was not self-aware enough to realise this, and so she took it out on me.
She dumped her pain on me, simply because I had triggered her in some way.
Creating a terrible customer service experience, and meaning that I will never go back to that business again.
But it had NOTHING to do with me.
She was spreading her pain around
And so, she was unconsciously perpetuating her pain.
Passing on her emotional suffering to the people around her.
If I was not more aware of this dynamic, it might have worked.
I might have fought with her, tried to put her in her place, given her a piece of my mind.
And in the process not only would I have participated in the pain-sharing, I would have ruined my daughter’s birthday.
Sure, it wasn’t fun to be treated so unpleasantly, but because I knew I had done nothing to deserve it, it was easier to see what was really going on.
And feel sorry for her.
Feel sorry that she was carrying so much pain that it was spilling out in the most inappropriate ways – at work no less.
Her unprocessed trauma was running the show
And because she was doing this so automatically, so unthinkingly, all she was doing was continuing the cycle.
Get pain, give pain. Get pain, give pain. Get pain, give pain.
And so it goes, on and on, forever.
And so there were two key things I got from this experience (after I’d had time to digest it and resettle my own nervous system).
Two key lessons from this rude shop assistant
1. We need to be aware of the impact our issues have on others
Firstly, we have to SUPER careful with how our issues affect the people around us.
Most of us tend to let loose on our loved ones – the ones closest to us – because they’re the most likely to trigger us.
And that in itself is bad enough, and the most likely to perpetuate the cycle of pain.
Because our loved ones can’t get away from it, and have to endure being subject to our misery day in and day out.
And that’s hard to remain unaffected by, and can lead to CPTSD.
But the more pain we’re carrying, the further it can spread.
To our friends, to our colleagues, or in the case of this woman, to passing strangers.
And the further it spreads, the more pain we share, the more damage we do to our world.
I’m not trying to make you feel responsible for other people’s suffering.
That’s not it at all.
I’m trying to help you see that shielding people from your unprocessed, unfiltered pain is important.
You’re allowed to have pain – it’s unavoidable if you’ve come from trauma or abuse or CPTSD.
But we need to be VERY conscious about how that pain affects others.
At the end of the day, it’s OUR burden to carry, and OUR issue to heal, not theirs.
2. We don’t need to take other people’s pain personally
Secondly, if we can look at this from the other side of the fence, it becomes abundantly clear that…
Other people’s sh*t has nothing to do with us
It would have been very easy for me to take this shop assistant’s rude behaviour personally, and I certainly struggled with that in the moment.
But as soon as I twigged that I reminded her of someone and she was dumping on me, it became easier to set it aside.
I was able to see the reality of what was going on, and not feel that I had somehow done something wrong, or done something to deserve it (that was my wounded inner child freaking out).
I was able to process my emotions about being treated that way, and put them in their proper place.
I was able to reflect on our interactions, and understand what might have been going on for her.
I was able to understand that this was simply about her and her issues, and her unfortunate lack of self-awareness.
Not that that made her behaviour appropriate or acceptable. It was highly unprofessional.
But I understood why it seemed to come out of nowhere, and why she was so politely vicious towards me.
And the more we can start to realise that almost all unpleasant interactions really have nothing to do with us and everything to do with the other person’s issues (and how we triggered them), the sooner we can stop perpetuating the pain.
The sooner we can disengage from other people’s pain, and let them have their hissy fit, without adding fuel to the fire.
The faster we can break the habit of feeling responsible for everyone else’s experience.
And the more effectively we can do the work to break the cycle of pain and trauma.
A quick recap
- A sales assistant was unexpectedly rude to me
- I realised I reminded her of someone who caused her pain
- She was perpetuating the cycle of pain and suffering
- Her lack of awareness caused her to behave unprofessionally
- This experience reinforced two key lessons
- We need to be careful how our baggage affects others
- Other people’s baggage has nothing to do with us
What next?
- Reflect on past unpleasant interactions you’ve had. Can you see how much of that was actually just the other person dumping their pain unconsciously?
- Can you think of times when you’ve done the same, and dumped out your pain on others? Reflect on what it was that you really reacting to, and it likely wasn’t what was right in front of you.
- Think about strategies you can use to contain the damage you pain causes when others trigger you. Can you stop talking? Can you ask for a time out? Can you walk away? What can you do to minimise how much pain you give to others?
- Come up with some things you can tell yourself when others start dumping their pain on you? Like “they must be so miserable”, “wow, they’re having a bad day” or “I’m sorry they’re so unhappy”.
- Practice separating your pain from other people’s. Recognise what’s yours to deal with and manage, and what’s best left to others to handle.
It’s not always easy, I know.
I’m all too ready to blame myself when someone gets upset at me, but understanding where those lines are, and managing our own reactions, are essential practices if we truly want to break this cycle.
I’m grateful that I managed not to lose it at the shop assistant, despite my outrage and self-righteous urges.
I really hope that one day she finds a way to be happy.
And I want that for you too.
If you want to get better at managing your own pain, watch my videos on what to do when you’re triggered and the power of understanding others.
May you have a day filled with kindness and grace.
Love,
Nicola
