Perfectionism and trauma: When making mistakes feels dangerous
I made a mistake the other day.
It really wasn’t a big deal, but it sure felt like it to me.
I had to drop the car off for a service.
Now, we’ve been to this mechanic before, but I’d never actually been the one doing the dropping off.
I was always the second car, just standing by.
And I never really paid attention to where we went.
But now that we’re down to one car, it was up to me to drop the car off by myself (me and the dog, anyway).
So I rocked up to the address, and although I couldn’t see a number or a sign, I bundled the dog out of the car and stuck my head into the workshop with the car up on the hoist.
This would have to be the place for sure, right?
Wrong.
Turns out the mechanic was the one down the back of the row of factories, despite their sign being out the front on the grass, right next to the one with the car hoist.
An innocent enough mistake to make.
I recovered myself, packed the dog back into the car, and dropped the car (not the dog) off at the right place.
And then headed off to walk all the way home.
My nervous system was SO dysregulated
What fascinated me about this whole experience was that it was a simple enough mistake on my part, no harm done, but it took me almost 25 minutes of the 45-minute walk home to resettle my nervous system.
The whole time I was replaying the gaffe in my head, trying to fix the mistake I’d made.
I wanted simultaneously to confess it to someone just to get the weight off my chest, but also I was terrified of anyone finding out that I’d flubbed.
My reaction was so over the top.
And it wasn’t helped by the noisy traffic roaring by either. (Oh, the noise!)
Which is how I figured out, after about 5 to 10 minutes into my walk, that I was triggered.
My reaction was so out of proportion to what had just happened that there had to be something more going on.
Something in making that mistake had triggered a “danger, danger” signal in my brain.
And off I went, trying to futilely pull apart and reshape my misstep so I could feel safe again.
And it wasn’t until I’d managed to calm my nerves, partway through my walk, that I was able to begin reflecting on WHY I’d been so rattled by the whole experience.
Why was I feeling so rattled by something so small?
And it boiled down to me making a mistake.
I realised that making a mistake when I was growing up meant that I would be a target of ridicule.
It wasn’t safe for me to do anything wrong, because then it would be turned against me.
I already didn’t feel emotionally safe at home, and making a mistake was a sure-fire guarantee that my sister or my mother (and even sometimes my father) would take the opportunity to take me down a peg.
And there was no hiding anything in my house. (Although that was a skill I would grow to learn.)
If I made a mistake and anyone noticed, that was it.
Humiliation city.
I’m sure from their perspective they were only having fun, amusing themselves at my expense.
I learned to fear making mistakes
But for me it cut deep, and I learned to HATE making mistakes.
It’s something I still struggle with to this day (but I’m working on it).
What I found most fascinating about this was the intensity of my reaction.
To the guy at the first garage, it probably happens all the time, and he forgot about it moments later.
And nobody else but him and me knows that it ever happened (well, except for you now as well).
That’s it.
Just the two of us. And I’ll probably never see him again.
Nobody to laugh at me, deride me, make me feel stupid and worthless.
But yet SUCH a strong reaction.
That took me nearly half an hour to work out of my system.
Sheesh!
It’s no surprise we hate making mistakes
Is it any wonder so many of us struggle with making mistakes?
We set impossible standards for ourselves and tear ourselves to pieces when we fall short.
I know that perfectionism is one of the many “charming” effects of CPTSD, and I’ve been working on letting go of my need for things to be “just so”.
But at the same time, this experience shows just how hard-wired my reaction is.
This was not a conscious choice. It was instantaneous and intense, and totally out of my control.
This one was so strong that it took me a while to even realise that I was triggered.
How I let go of my simple mistake (eventually)
So how did I work myself out of it?
It started by simply noticing that I was flooded emotionally, overwhelmed with fear and shame at my mistake.
Just recognising how I was feeling and allowing it to be without trying to do anything about it.
And then, instead of assuming that these feelings were true, I observed them and questioned them.
- Why was I feeling like this?
- Was this reaction appropriate given what happened? (Definitely no)
- Did the mistake really matter to anyone except me? (No, I very much doubt it)
- Had anything bad happened as a result? (Nothing at all)
- Had I done anything except look slightly silly to a complete stranger? (Nope, not really)
- Would he even remember the incident tomorrow? (I doubt it)
And so it went on as I walked, thinking and observing and questioning and challenging and processing.
Once I had talked myself down enough from my over-activation such that I could reflect on the experience slightly more objectively, I was able to look back to other times I’d felt like this, and make the connection to my childhood.
I connected it to my childhood experiences
To the experiences that had taught me that making a mistake wasn’t safe.
To understand that the fear I was feeling was not about what had just happened in the slightest.
And I found great relief in realising that it was an old pattern I was playing out, instead of anything relevant to my current situation.
But the adrenaline rush is always exhausting!
And then, once I’d recognised the pattern, I was able to consider more broadly my experience of making mistakes, and why I struggle so much with them, especially when they involve someone else, even a stranger.
I’m not sure whether I was able to remove that trigger entirely, but my hope is that by recognising what happened and where it came from, that it will affect me less intensely the next time it happens (which I’m certain it will).
And then I realised that this experience was a fascinating study of the stimulus-response trigger playing out in my own life that I could share with you.
Nothing wasted!
At the end of the day, I made a mistake and nobody got hurt.
I didn’t enjoy making it, and maybe I’ll be more careful to check the address next time, but making mistakes is inevitable.
What matters is the effect they have on us, and how we respond.
And that’s the one thing we CAN do something about.
A quick recap
- I made a simple, harmless mistake
- My system was flooded with adrenaline and anxiety
- I realised I was triggered and having an emotional flashback
- It took me almost 25 minutes to settle my nervous system
- What I did:
- Noticed my overwhelming feelings and thoughts
- Allowed myself to feel without acting on them
- Observed, questioned and processed my feelings
- Reflected on what just happened
- Made the connection to my childhood
- Felt relief that it was an old pattern playing out
- Considered my pattern more generally
- It’s important to realise that mistakes will happen, and that it’s our reaction that matters
What next?
- Do you struggle with making mistakes? Is perfectionism something you struggle with? Or do mistakes just roll easily off you?
- Have you noticed yourself having intense emotional reactions to seemingly minor, harmless situations?
- Can you catch yourself having these reactions and realise that it means you’re triggered, not that you’re actually in danger?
- Have you figured out ways to work yourself back from these intense reactions? Ways to settle your nervous system down when you find yourself flooded?
- Can you acknowledge that you are safe now, even if you don’t feel like it in the moment?
- Can you find the connection to your past experiences that taught you that these experiences weren’t safe?
- Does recognising old patterns help you reduce their power over you? Can you develop enough awareness to realise what’s REALLY going on?
- Can you plan ways to create a different, better response next time something like this happens?
Honestly, I think I actually handled the situation quite well, given how triggered I was.
Outwardly, I seemed fine and composed, and despite the intensity, it didn’t cause me to do anything reckless or stupid or dangerous.
So perhaps that means I’m getting better at handling emotional flashbacks after all.
And that’s something I really want for you too.
If you find yourself getting triggered or dysregulated regularly, you might want to download my guide with ten quick ways to regulate yourself.
No matter what triggers you, being able to recognise and handle it in the moment, despite being completely outside your window of tolerance is a huge achievement.
May you have an emotionally stable day.
Love,
Nicola
