Why personal boundaries are essential for your well-being
I used to think boundaries were walls you put up to keep people out, but that’s probably because I didn’t have any boundaries growing up.
And even though I still struggle with boundaries, understanding what they really are has really helped me to create healthier boundaries, and now everyone around me is happier as a result.
So I’m going to share with you what boundaries actually are, what they’re supposed to do, and how you can create and maintain them so you can take care of yourself and feel good in relationships.
I’m Nicola, and I’ve been working to heal all my issues ever since I threw my parents out of my house 25 years ago for violating my boundaries once too often.
What boundaries are NOT
Let’s start by looking at what boundaries are not.
Boundaries are not limitations on what we can do.
They are not oppressive commandments handed down from on high.
And boundaries are not a way to push people away or shut people out.
They’re actually intended to strengthen our relationships.
And boundaries are not for controlling other people.
They’re not a way that we get to manipulate others into doing what we want.
We can’t say something like, “Unless you clean up the kitchen, “I’m not going to cook dinner.”
That is not a healthy boundary.
And boundaries are not selfish, even though many people see them that way.
We simply can’t just keep giving and giving and giving until we burn out, as in the expression, “Love has no boundaries.”
Love is having boundaries.
And boundaries are not just about other people.
It’s actually about us recognising what’s not working in our lives, or in a relationship, and trying to change things so things are better for us and for the other people involved.
Boundaries are not about saying “no” all the time or using boundaries as an excuse to be inconsiderate or thoughtless.
That’s not the intention of boundaries.
And boundaries are not rigid or set in stone, and they’re not one-size-fits-all.
And boundaries don’t have to be rude or dramatic.
They can simply be something like, “I’m going to aim to go to bed by 10: 00 PM every night.”
A simple definition of personal boundaries
So what are boundaries?
Boundaries are the rules we set for ourselves that make our lives better.
Like fences, boundaries protect what’s important to us.
Instead of shutting things out or shutting people out, they’re protecting what matters most to us.
And boundaries ensure our mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
Boundaries make sure that we are taken care of so that we have more to give others.
And when we have boundaries, we’re making sure that our needs are being met.
We are protecting our energy, which means we can be more productive.
We are strengthening our relationships and improving our communication.
We are creating self-respect and self-trust, and we are promoting healthy balance across all areas of our life.
What boundaries look like
So what do healthy personal boundaries actually look like?
Well, I’ve got a guide with a bunch of examples that you might want to download to help you with this, but let’s go through some examples now.
Also keep in mind that boundaries apply across all areas of life, whether that’s physical, emotional, time, money, work, beliefs, social or health.
They’re rules about what you will do and what you won’t do.
Examples of boundaries
So a work boundary might be, “I won’t respond to emails outside the hours of 8:00 AM to 6:00 PM.”
Or a personal space boundary might be, “I’m going to put a sign on my bedroom door that says, ‘Please knock first before entering.'”
Or a health boundary might be, “I’m going to make time to exercise three times a week between 8:00 AM and 8:30 AM.”
Or a mental boundary might be, “I’m not going to respond to negative comments on social media.”
A relationship boundary might be, “I’m not going to talk about the details of my intimate relationship with people outside of that relationship.”
Or a financial boundary might be, “I won’t lend money to friends and family.”
Or a personal boundary might be, “I give myself permission to change my mind.”
So these are rules about what we will and won’t do. And what we will and won’t accept into our experience.
How to set healthy boundaries
So how do we set healthy and appropriate boundaries without feeling guilty?
Well, when you download that guide, you’ll find a step-by-step process that you can go through, and I’ll summarise that for you now.
But it starts with understanding that it’s healthy, necessary, and appropriate to have boundaries.
You are allowed to have boundaries.
Step 1. Identify your needs, values and limits
So the first step is to identify your needs, your values, and your limits.
And one of the best ways to do this is to look at what’s not working in your life, to look across all aspects of your life and ask questions about,
“What do I want to do differently here? What can I change? What isn’t working? What’s making me unhappy?”
Asking these questions reveals the things that are not working as well as you’d like them to be in your life.
Step 2. Create your rules (boundaries)
And having identified those, the next step then is to define your boundaries, to take what’s not working and say,
“Okay, what do I need to put in place? What rules, what guidelines, what boundaries do I need to create that will improve the way this works?”
And writing them down is pretty important so that you can be clear on what they look like.
And these might be rules for yourself, but also how you’re going to engage with other people, what those acceptable limits are and behaviours are that you’re willing to engage with.
Step 3. Communicate your boundaries to others
And once you’ve created your boundaries, the next step is to communicate those.
Sometimes your boundaries won’t affect other people, but many times they will.
And so communicating those to other people so that they’re at least aware of the rules that you are setting in place to make things better.
And if this creates anxiety for you, then start small.
Pick a boundary that you’ve created that seems like it’s the least likely to cause friction and start with that one, so you can get practise.
You can feel more comfortable setting those boundaries in place.
But it’s also really important to pick your moment.
Make sure you pick the right time to talk to people about this when they can give you your full attention and be willing to hear what you’re saying.
You also need to make sure that your goals, your boundaries are very specific and concrete.
So rather than saying, “I’m going to exercise more,” saying, “I’m going to make time to exercise three times a week between these times.”
It’s much more concrete and specific.
It’s also really valuable to focus on what you do want as much as you can instead of what you don’t want – what you do want to happen instead of what you’re trying to shut out or push away.
You don’t want to justify. You don’t want to be trying to apologise or defend your boundaries.
You’ve evaluated your situation and you’ve decided this is what’s in your best interests.
So remain calm and firm with your tone of voice and your manner of speaking so that your message comes across as effectively as possible.
An example of communicating boundaries
So in my own life, I remember a time when I was at uni, I used to create the most amazing handwritten notes that were incredibly valuable for me in my study process and allowed me to do really well.
But I would have people come to me and ask to borrow them, and I just didn’t trust that I would get them back or in the condition that they were in originally.
So I would say to them, “I’m sorry, I’m not comfortable lending you my notes.”
That was my boundary.
And then I would say, “But if you want, I’m happy to go with you while you photocopy them.”
So I wasn’t making it impossible, but I was being very clear that this is what I was comfortable and this is what I was willing to do.
Step 4. Deal with people’s responses to your boundaries
Of course, once you communicate your boundaries, you’ll likely get a response.
Sometimes that will be positive, and sometimes you might get resistance.
And when people do resist the boundaries that you’re trying to set in place, it could be because they’re feeling threatened by those boundaries.
They might be worried that your relationship is going to change.
Maybe they don’t understand the boundary or why you’re putting it in place, or maybe they’re just unwilling to do what you ask.
And how you respond to that will depend on the relationship.
If this is a relationship that you value highly, it may be worth going into more detail and explaining why you’ve decided to create this boundary.
But in toxic relationships – or casual, distant relationships – you may find that it’s just simply not worth giving them that extra information and just remaining firm and consistent in the message you’re communicating.
And one of the best ways to communicate your needs is something called non-violent communication.
I’ve got a step-by-step guide to non-violent communication that you might want to download because it allows you to express your needs in a way that is less likely to raise someone else’s defences and also help you hear what they’re saying to you in return.
Step 5. Enforce your new boundaries
Once you’ve created and communicated your boundaries, now you need to actually enforce them.
You need to communicate the consequences of those boundaries not being respected.
So “If you email me about a work-related issue outside the hours of 8:00 AM and 6:00 PM, I won’t respond until the next day.”
Or “If you attack me like that again, I’m going to walk away for 30 minutes, take a break, and then come back.”
And so you need to practise enforcing these boundaries.
You need to deal with any infractions, any violations of those boundaries as quickly as possible, directly with the person as soon as possible after that event happens.
You need to raise it with them and reiterate those boundaries and enforce those consequences.
6. Maintain your boundaries
And then ongoing, you need to maintain those boundaries.
You need to find ways to remember that this is what you’ve decided you want to happen – whether that’s putting reminders in your phone, putting sticky notes around the house, whatever that looks like – to make sure that you remember that these are your boundaries.
And you need to be consistent.
You need to follow through with those consequences every time because you are teaching people how to treat you.
And so you need to be consistent so they learn that if they do this, this is what will happen.
And if need be, you can get support from other people as you enforce those boundaries – to give you that moral support and that encouragement as you go through that process of maintaining and enforcing those boundaries.
And then over time, you may need to review your boundaries.
But what’s really important is that you are keeping your promises to yourself.
This is what maintaining your boundaries does.
It teaches you that “I have made these promises to myself and I am keeping them.”
Step 7. Adapt your boundaries as needed
And the last step is to adapt.
You may find over time that your needs change.
You may find that the boundaries are not working the way that you thought they would, and it’s okay for them to change.
Remember, these are not set in stone.
It’s okay to change them.
Things change, your situation will change, your needs will change, and it’s okay to adapt and modify your boundaries to make them work even better.
What to do when boundaries don’t work
So what do you do when boundaries don’t work?
Well, the first step is to recognise the signs that your boundaries are being violated or not respected.
And it might look like repeating yourself, having requests that you make of people being ignored or minimised or dismissed.
You might be subject to guilt trips or blackmail or emotional manipulation of some kind.
You might find yourself being pressured to doing things.
You might find you’re not being given the respect you would like, or you’re not being given privacy, or maybe people are not available when you need them to be, or they expect you to be “on tap” whenever they want you.
You might be finding yourself getting interrupted unhelpfully, you might be feeling unsafe, you might be feeling drained or exhausted, or you might just be starting to resent the relationship.
These are all signs that your boundaries are not being respected in this situation.
How to deal with pushback
So when you get this pushback, it’s really important that you communicate effectively about what’s happening and about your boundaries.
You need to stay calm and assertive when you’re talking about this.
You need to use I statements as much as possible, and that’s something that non-violent communication teaches you.
You need to express to them that you value this relationship, and that’s why you’re trying to make these changes.
If possible, you can offer them alternatives.
“Well, if this doesn’t work for you, how about we try this or this instead?”
You might also want to focus on the positives to help them see that the reason you’re putting these boundaries in place and enforcing these consequences is because it helps you be happier and healthier, but it also strengthens the relationship.
You need to stand firm.
And if they do start to try and manipulate you, or put guilt trips or whatever it is, to actually call that behaviour out if it feels safe to do so.
If it doesn’t, just leave it be and stand firm.
But you need to focus on your needs – what it is that you’re trying to achieve out of this situation.
And if need be, give them space to process it.
They may not be able to take it on board immediately.
So give them that space to integrate what it is you’re asking of them.
But be persistent, be consistent with what you’re requesting.
And if need be, take breaks from the conversation.
Come back to it tomorrow.
See if you can make progress over time.
Don’t create boundaries for others
It’s really important to understand that shielding someone from the consequences of their actions is not a healthy boundary.
That is not a boundary you get to create because that is about trying to shape someone else’s experience.
We need to let people live their own lives.
Don’t let boundaries trap you
It’s also really important that we watch out for boundaries that are too rigid or are likely to trap you.
So things like someone saying, “I expect if I text you to get a response from you within five minutes or I’m never speaking to you again.”
It’s a little bit extreme, but you get the point.
It’s highly impractical to expect someone to comply with that and the consequences are out of proportion.
Create realistic and achievable boundaries
So we need to make sure that our boundaries, whether they’re boundaries for ourselves or other people, are realistic and achievable.
We also need to make sure that our boundaries are actually about ourselves and not other people.
We need to make sure that what we’re trying to do with our boundaries is meeting our needs so that we can be a better version of ourselves, not about trying to shape what someone else’s experience looks like.
And as we create and assert these boundaries, it’s super important that we treat ourselves with respect and compassion and remind ourselves over and over:
So now you understand what boundaries actually are, why you absolutely need to have them, what they look like, and how to create and maintain them so that you can take care of your needs and strengthen your relationships.
And to learn a simple way, an effective way to communicate your boundaries, watch this video.
May your boundaries be clearer and stronger than ever before! ❤️
