Why being yourself feels so dangerous (and what to do about it)
Breathe in, and imagine pulling yourself inwards as far as you can.
Keep going. Further. More, more, more…
How teeny tiny can you make yourself?
Do you feel safe yet?
I keep making myself small to feel safe
Making myself small is one of those habits that I’ve found really hard to shake.
The moment I speak up “too much” in a group setting, or I make a request of someone, or heaven forbid, ask for help, I recoil.
I panic that I’ve overstepped the space I’m allowed to occupy, and retreat into myself as quickly as possible.
I guess I figure that if I make myself small enough, that if other people don’t really notice that I exist, then somehow I’ll be safe.
No chance of anyone focusing their anger or negativity in my direction.
I’m painfully conscious of being “too much”
Any time my presence “intrudes” on another person in some way, I get triggered.
My mind starts racing with unhelpful thoughts about how terrible a person I am, about how they’re probably quietly condemning me.
Trying to convince me to shrink back down to my “proper” size so that everything will be OK again.
“Just don’t rock the boat.”
“Don’t make a fuss.”
“Bite your tongue.”
All of these things we tell ourselves to try and stay small.
Staying small keeps us safe
Because we learned to equate expressing ourselves with danger.
Our nervous system realised that when we shared our true selves with the world, we got rejected.
And nothing hurts worse than being rejected, especially when we were just being ourselves.
So we learn to pull our heads in, to turn down the volume on our self-expression, to go quietly.
And we start feeling like a burden on the world, that our needs are simply an inconvenience to others.
Shrinking in can make us clingy
Ironically, this perspective tends to make us needy and clingy.
We hold on desperately to the tiniest shreds of connection, hoping that THIS time, we won’t be rejected.
I remember an experience like this when I went on the school ski trip in about Year 8.
I was feeling a little overwhelmed with all the newness, and the things I had to figure out how to do, and I just wanted someone to do it with.
But it came out as clinginess, and my only two “friends” abandoned me on the slopes.
Leaving me to cope on my own, and make the most of the day by myself.
Happily, I managed to find a way to do that, but the rejection still stung.
I had needs, but apparently they were unwelcome.
We find it hard to ask for help
It is any wonder I take so much upon myself, and struggle to ask for help?
I can also see where this came from in my home life.
My mother was dealing with her own empty void, constantly trying to fill it with our sympathy and attention.
So if we had needs, that meant she wasn’t getting as much attention, and that wasn’t OK.
Equally, if we were expressing our authentic selves “too much”, then that was also a distraction from her needs.
Basically, if we were “too much” in any way, then she would do something to derail us, and bring the attention back to her, where it belonged.
Maybe it wasn’t conscious on her part – after all, she was struggling with her own unmet needs – but it certainly taught me that it wasn’t safe for me to be myself.
That staying small was the best option.
So I shrank down, stayed silent and made sure not to be “too much”.
And now this comes out in the form of my inner critic, who reminds me all too quickly, when I begin to express myself as an adult, of the risks this entails.
“Stay small.”
“Just do it yourself.”
“What if they say no?”
How to how heal our self-expression
So what can we do about it?
First and foremost, we need to start with finding a safe space.
A place where we can logically know we’re safe, even if we don’t feel it yet.
And then we begin to practice being ourselves, starting in the tiniest ways if necessary.
We’re trying to teach our nervous system a new experience.
I’m practising asking for help anyway.
I keep expressing myself in small ways, and trusting that it’s OK.
It’s OK to have needs.
It’s OK to be me.
More recently, I’ve started noticing moments where I feel more like myself than I have in a long time, as though I’m starting to allow myself just to be me.
Finally.
To just exist, express and embrace who I am.
It’s scary, and I know it’s going to take practise.
But I know that my joy lives in the place where I am fully myself.
And one day I will get there.
A quick recap
- We learn that expressing ourselves leads to rejection
- We make ourselves small to avoid rejection
- We avoid speaking up or asking for what we need
- Our nervous system equates self-expression with danger
- This can make us seem needy and clingy
- We have to show our nervous system something new
What next?
- Do you recognise this tendency in yourself?
- Do you find yourself playing down your needs or not speaking up out of fear?
- Does your mind race with feeling like you’re being “too much” when you express yourself?
- Can you find simple, small ways to practice self-expression in a safe way?
- Like
- drawing in a private journal, or
- contributing something to a chat with close friends, or
- asking for help with that project you’re struggling with (at least admitting to someone safe that you’re struggling)
- Practice finding safe ways to express yourself, and show your nervous system that it’s OK for you to be you.
And if you struggle to feel like your needs matter, start by taking care of you.
Download over 100 ideas for self-care activities you can do to show your nervous system that you’re worth the effort.
May you have a “bigger me” day.
Love,
Nicola
