The dangerous myth our society needs to unlearn
I was reading a novel the other day and came across this line, describing a woman’s ex-husband…
“He’d been a cold bastard who’d thrived on putting her down, but at least he’d never hit her or thrown things at her.”
…and I got REALLY annoyed.
Why the @$#!&* does our society perpetuate this myth that physical abuse is worse than emotional abuse?
Where is that written?
How does it follow that a broken leg is worse than a broken heart?
Why are my bruises more serious than my shaken self-confidence?
How is being hit worse than being shredded emotionally?
Now, before you jump in and say, “Well of course it’s worse”, stop and ask yourself…
Why? Why? Why?
Why do we not only believe that, but also accept it wholeheartedly when others foist it upon us, like in that book I was reading?
How have we been SO brainwashed that we believe this lie without question?
Physical injuries heal, emotional wounds fester
Because broken legs heal. Bruises fade. Cuts mend.
Our miraculous body just does that, without our intervention.
But our emotional wounds?
If we don’t deliberately tend to them, they stick with us FOR LIFE.
They seep into every part of our existence, tainting our every day life with their pain, their dysfunction and their darkness.
Emotional abuse alone can cause CPTSD
We internalise the cruel words, the taunts, the mockery.
We accept that we are fundamentally flawed, hopeless, worthless.
We operate from a soundly corrupted view of ourselves.
And we don’t think twice.
We just act as if that’s normal.
And count ourselves lucky that we were never hit.
Pah!
I know I’ve talked about this recently when discussing “invisible trauma”, but reading this line in this book really drove home again just HOW pervasive this belief is in our society.
In Pete Walker’s book on CPTSD, he claims that emotional wounds are the most powerful component of childhood trauma – not physical not sexual, not verbal, not spiritual, although they are also very damaging – because emotional abuse or neglect is enough to cause CPTSD on its own.
Physical abuse might be the most obvious form, but that does not automatically make it the worst.
And that’s the connection we have to uncouple.
Just because we can SEE the evidence of physical abuse, does not make it more real or more serious.
Invisible abuse is WAY more problematic
In fact, I would argue that the invisible forms – mental, emotional, verbal – are more serious BECAUSE we can’t see their effects.
It’s much easier to pretend that we’re not being emotionally abused, because there’s nothing we can point to.
It’s also much easier for our abusers to deny that they’re doing it.
“You’re just misunderstanding me, like you always do.”
And so we don’t acknowledge those invisible wounds, but instead let them keep polluting our experiences well into adulthood.
Because they’re shapeless, nebulous and only identifiable indirectly – by their adverse effects on us – we pretend that everything’s fine.
I’ve heard so many people say something like, “Sure, my parents treated me badly, but I turned out OK” while simultaneously behaving badly towards others (or themselves).
And so this denial of the invisible wounds allows them to perpetuate.
It’s time stop seeing emotional abuse as “lesser”
So long as emotional wounds are seen as “lesser” and “not real” and “made up”, we don’t allow ourselves to admit they exist.
And if they don’t exist, how can we deal with them?
We either stuff them down, and let them destroy us from the inside out (the inner critic) or we spew them out in an endless stream of pain and suffering onto the people around us (the outer critic).
It’s time for this myth to be debunked.
It’s time that we acknowledge the power and far-reaching impact of our emotional wounds.
It’s time to face up to the things that are out of whack inside of us.
It’s time to deal with those invisible wounds.
Because they’re real. They do exist. And they matter. A lot.
Will novels ever read this way….?
I look forward to the day I read a novel and the author says something like…
“He’d been a mean bastard who’d constantly hit her and thrown things at her, but at least he’d never put her down or blamed her for his mistakes.”
Funny how that reads like something that would never happen.
Almost as though physical abuse can’t happen without also having emotional issues.
It kind of suggests that the emotional wounds are what causes the physical abuse.
Now THAT’S something to think about…
A quick recap
- Our society perpetuates the belief that physical abuse is worse than emotional abuse
- But physical wounds heal on their own; emotional wounds fester if we ignore them
- Emotional abuse or neglect is enough to cause CPTSD on its own
- Visible evidence of abuse does NOT make it more real or more serious
- Invisible wounds are more dangerous because we can deny that they exist
- Emotional wounds are real, they exist and they matter
- Maybe physical abuse is caused by unresolved emotional wounds?
What next?
- Examine your experience of this belief. Did you grow up in a home where the more obvious or concrete something was, the more seriously it was taken?
- Have you had people dismiss or minimise your experiences because they were emotional or verbal, or just harder for them to see?
- Can you start to uncouple the idea that visibility does NOT equate with severity or veracity?
- Can you begin to see just how important it is to untangle our emotional baggage, if we’re ever to truly heal?
I hope you can start to disengage from this unhelpful perspective, and recognise the foundational importance of emotional wellbeing to our success and happiness in life generally.
And if you’re ready to free yourself from emotional wounds, make sure to download my guide to EFT (meridian tapping) so you can release those painful experiences, relieve anxiety, stress and pain, and improve your overall well-being.
May you have a peaceful and loving day.
Nicola
