CPTSD bad days: Why everything looks hopeless and what to do about it
I apologise in advance for the mild swearing in this article, but sometimes there’s just no other words to properly express it.
Because when you’re dealing with CPTSD, some days, everything looks like shit.
Nothing’s working, nothing feels good, everything feels pointless, and making an effort seems harder than climbing Mount Everest.
I call this wearing my “shit-coloured glasses”.
They’re the nasty cousin of the “rose-coloured glasses” that have everything looking better than it really is.
These ones make everything look worse.
Everything is just WRONG
Breakfast tastes funny, the dog looked at you weird, and your clothes don’t seem to fit like they did yesterday.
Your favourite novel just seems annoying today.
Your cute phone case just looks dumb.
And your pot plant’s sneering at you from the corner of your desk.
You hate your job, your life, your friends, your family and maybe even the entire world.
And when I’m deep in the murky mire of believing that everything is just one big pile of dung, I also know that this is not really me.
I’ve come to understand, with practice, that this means that I’m wearing my shit-coloured glasses.
That in reality, everything is not actually as bad as it looks, despite how convincing it seems in the moment.
How do you tell that this is not real?
And how do I know this?
Because in the depths of poo-hell, I remember days where I didn’t feel like this.
Despite the mountains of evidence in my current experience, I know that things have not always been this bad.
I have memories of moments and even days, where things were a lot different and possibly even better.
And in those all-consuming shit-coloured moments, I choose to see this as my CPTSD talking.
That what I’m dealing with is simply a crappy filter that my past experiences are layering over everything right now, for some unfathomable reason.
And my one and ONLY job in the moment is to not give into the funk.
I tell myself, that this is just a phase, like a full moon.
Just a temporary dip.
And therefore, it will pass.
This awful, AWFUL perspective will eventually shift into something better.
Just take everything one awful moment at a time
And all I have to do until then is keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Maybe I’ll have to re-order my task list a little, so I can start with the things that seem do-able right now.
Maybe I’ll have to lower my expectations (just for now) of what’s possible and likely, so I’m not so hard on myself when I get less done than I would have liked.
Maybe I just have to cut myself some slack, for now.
Maybe I’ll even “skive off” work and read a book or tidy my desk.
Things might look bad right now, but it’s not forever
But this is not permanent.
Because all that’s going on is that right now, I’m just wearing my shit-coloured glasses, and soon enough, I’ll take them off again.
And when I do, everything will look much better.
And this gets me through these days.
It stops me from throwing in the towel, or causing irreparable damage to things I care about, no matter how tempted I might be to burn it all down.
Because sometimes I am sorely, SORELY tempted to destroy it all, to tear it down to the ground.
Or at the very least, run away and join the circus (although as what, I’m not entirely sure).
But I just remind myself of the “stylish” glasses I have on, and that I need to wait until I take them off before I make a move like that.
Before I make key life decisions.
Before I do something I might regret later.
How I get through my worst CPTSD days
So how am I countering this tendency?
There’s a few things I’m doing to both cope when I find myself wearing my shit-coloured glasses, but also to reduce the frequency with which these days appear.
1. Remind myself this is temporary
As I mentioned, just reminding myself that this is a temporary state is key.
This is a trick I’ve used many times over the course of my life – it might feel bad right now, but it won’t always be like this, and I just have to hang on for the ride.
“This too shall pass.”
2. Lower my expectations
As I said, when it happens, I do also severely lower my expectations of myself.
I recognise that I’m not in the best place to be productive or creative, so I find something tedious or repetitive to do, so it doesn’t tax me too much, but I’m still moving forward.
3. Keep practising gratitude
I’ve also found that my gratitude practice has made a huge difference to how often I find myself feeling this way.
By taking the time every day, to find something to appreciate, no matter how lame, it seems like I’m less inclined to see the world through a crappy lens.
Note: If you’ve tried to start a gratitude practice but struggled, watch my video on gratitude and download my list of over 60 prompts to kickstart your practice.
4. Watch my inputs very carefully
I’m also very careful with what I eat, what I wear, and what I surround myself with – the people, the information, the stimulation, the inputs.
In other words, I’m making sure I’m looking after myself, so I don’t get too tired, or overwhelmed, or overloaded or just pushed beyond my limits.
5. Work to heal myself
And of course, I’m doing the work to heal.
To release the things out of my nervous system that keep me seeing the world negatively, or that just keep dragging me down.
And I can say with certainty that I’ve been having fewer and fewer of these days.
And even when they do come, they’re less intense, easier to diffuse.
And for me, that’s huge!
A quick recap
- One of the many effects of CPTSD can be days where everything looks like shit
- No matter how good life might be objectively, you just can’t see it as anything other than awful
- With practice, I’ve realised that this is not really me, it’s just the CPTSD talking
- I tell myself that “I’m wearing my shit-coloured glasses” and I’ll take them off again soon
- My only job in these moments is to not buy into my crappy world view
- I set my expectations lower and take it one moment at a time
- I’m also careful not to make big changes or important life decisions
- My gratitude practice, my self-care and my healing work also help to reduce the frequency of these days
- With practice these days come less often and are less intense
What next?
- Do you recognise yourself in my experience? Do you have days where you’re wearing your “shit-coloured glasses” and everything is terrible?
- Are you able to recall moments or days that aren’t as bad as all that, comparatively speaking?
- Can you practice reminding yourself that this is just the glasses you’re currently wearing, and that you’ll take them off again soon enough?
- Can you resist the urge to do permanent damage in those moments, or do things you’ll regret?
- Are you taking enough care of yourself, so you’re less likely to have these kind of days?
- Have you started a gratitude practice, or are you considering starting one?
I know these kinds of moments can be really, truly tough to get through.
But I also know that you can do it, and that one day, you’ll put those nasty glasses aside and never pick them up again.
I look forward to the day when I find myself wearing my rose-coloured glasses instead.
And I wish that for you as well.
Love,
Nicola
