How to feel your emotions without stuffing them down or exploding: A four-step process
Do you have the courage to feel whatever arises?
It’s not easy, I can tell you.
Most of us spend most of our lives doing anything and everything we can to avoid feeling our feelings – eating, drinking, scrolling, gaming, working…
But being able to truly feel whatever is currently moving through is an absolute gift.
And it can make all the difference in the world.
My husband, Paul, is currently processing 40+ years of anger.
For decades, his only two responses were to either:
1) STUFF IT DOWN REALLY HARD
or
2) SPEW IT OUT ON EVERYONE AROUND HIM
I put those in all-caps because that’s how intense both of those options were for him.
He was so truly afraid of the damage his feelings could cause, that he put mountains of energy into making sure he NEVER had to feel any of it.
Things are starting to change
But thanks to some healing techniques that have been working for him, he’s starting to actually work through some of it.
It’s not pleasant for him, but it’s new, it’s progress and it’s a vast improvement.
And while some of us (i.e. me) seem to like to process things in a huge meltdown, Paul needs to take it very slowly.
We’re the perfect illustration of how what works for one person can most definitely NOT work for another.
He started working with an energy healer, but then had to stop, as the big healing releases it caused were too much for him.
Not surprisingly really, as he’s spent over 40 years not feeling things, so a huge deluge was something he didn’t have the skills to handle.
So instead, we’ve discovered a way for him to titrate his feeling, giving him the time and space to work through what he’s feeling, without overwhelming his system.
What matters is your willingness to feel
But what’s shifted, in this most recent period, is his willingness to feel.
Nay, his courage to feel.
He’s finding the strength to endure his feelings, and allow them to move through him.
He’s no longer blocking them, and he’s also no longer blaming others for them.
He’s just feeling.
And that can be a lot scarier than it sounds.
We don’t like to feel our feelings
Emotions can be intense, and downright unpleasant.
We don’t like feelings.
Especially when we’re out of practice with handling them.
Paul has often lamented that he doesn’t have my skills in dealing with emotions.
But I didn’t magically arrive in this life with those skills.
I had to learn them, through years of practice.
I just never really had any success with stuffing my emotions, so I had no choice but to learn.
But now, instead of using all of his energy to avoid his feelings, Paul’s using all of his energy to experience his feelings.
It’s just as exhausting, but a million times more productive.
And one day, his feelings won’t be as intense or exhausting.
So long as he continues to find the courage to feel.
How to find the courage to feel
So how CAN we just feel what we feel?
I have a simple four-step process that I love to use for handling strong and unpleasant emotions.
Step 1: Notice (and name)
Simply notice THAT you’re feeling something.
This is an awesome first step.
And if you can name the feeling, great, but don’t force it.
If you’re out of practice, trying to put it into words can be hard, and may even block the process.
It also risks you trying to turn it into a story (“I’m feeling like this because so-and-so did that”) which can be counter-productive.
So if the best you can do is simply notice, that’s enough.
Step 2: Allow it to expand
This is by far the scariest part of this process.
Every part of our being wants us to push the emotion away, so we don’t have to feel it.
And we’re terrified that it will get worse.
But if we can allow to expand, even just a little bit, it loses some of its power over us.
We can see through direct personal experience that allowing it get bigger is something we can handle.
We loosen our tight grip on our feelings, and they can finally start to move.
Emotions are just energy in motion, after all, and they need to move.
So just let it expand, in whatever way makes sense to you, in a slow, controlled fashion, and only as much as you can handle.
Step 3: Breathe
The next step is just breathe. In and out.
Into and out of the emotion if you can. Or through it. Or with it.
Whatever makes sense to your brain.
But if that’s too intense, just breathe.
In and out. Slowly and carefully.
Tell your nervous system that you’re OK.
Breathe and feel.
Step 4: See it as vibration
Like a truck rumbling past or a plane flying overhead, simply see the emotion as a vibration.
It’s waves of feeling moving through you. That’s all.
By separating yourself ever so slightly from the emotion, and seeing it as a separate vibration, it gives it more room to move.
You no longer see it as a permanent, unpleasant part of you.
It’s just something passing through.
Something you notice and feel, and then at some point it will be gone.
Four simple steps to process stuck emotions
And that’s the four steps.
Simple, but not necessarily easy.
I absolutely LOVE this process and go back to it time after time when something intense surfaces for me unexpectedly.
Now that I’ve had a lot of practice with it, I don’t always need all four steps, but then again sometimes I still do.
I love the feeling of freedom it gives me, knowing that I can handle my emotions when they arise.
Knowing that it’s just something passing through, and that feeling it isn’t going to cause me harm.
I also love the knowledge that by feeling this emotion, I’m done with it.
It doesn’t have to keep coming back over and over again.
I’ve felt it, and I’m free to move to the next thing.
I’m making progress.
And that’s really all I want.
A quick recap
- Emotions can be intense and unpleasant
- We tend to do anything and everything to avoid feeling them
- We often stuff them down or spew them out
- We’re afraid they’ll do a ton of damage if we feel them
- But not feeling them blocks them and they stay stuck in us
- Having the courage to feel is the very first step to healing
- The four steps to feeling intense emotions are: notice, expand, breathe, vibration
- The more we practice feeling our emotions, the better we get at handling them
What next?
- Do you find yourself stuffing or spewing your emotions? Maybe you drink or eat or scroll to avoid feeling your feelings?
- Do you find yourself experiencing the same emotions over and over? Often that’s because they’re stuck and we need to let them move (by feeling them)
- Do you feel like you lack the skills and experience to deal with your emotions?
- Can you find the courage to feel whatever is coming up for you, even if it’s scary?
- Can you use my four-step process to make your emotions less intense and help them to transform?
I really hope you can find the courage to feel, because it opens the door to so much possibility.
You can finally let things move, without hurting yourself or others, and stop having the same unpleasant experiences over and over.
And that’s when healing can really begin.
If you know that you have buried emotions that you’re afraid to feel, but you know it’s time to deal with them, watch my video to dive even deeper into this simple four-step process for handling uncomfortable emotions.
May you have a day filled with courage AND feelings.
Love,
Nicola
