Twelve signs you’re repeating generational trauma patterns

You swore you’d never repeat their mistakes…

Are you repeating generational patterns?

In other words, are you making the same mistakes your parents did?

(And possibly that their parents made as well.)

There’s a distinct chance you’ve fallen into repeating their behaviours and patterns without even realising it.

And that means, if you keep going this way, you’ll end up with the same results they did.

Ugh.

As gut-wrenching as that realisation is, you can do something about it.

And the first step is recognising the signs.

Here’s twelve signs that you’re headed for the same pain you swore you’d never repeat.

Part 1 – Being triggered

1. Having the same triggers

One of the strongest signs is that you find yourself being triggered by the same things that set your parents off.

Whether it’s crying kids, someone leaving a mess on the table, a child not finishing their dinner, or simply not being listened to, it’s all too familiar.

Your system is wired to overreact to the very same things they did.

Before you know it, you’re biting someone’s head off or cutting someone down for doing that same thing you did as a kid.

And neither of you knew any better.

But now you do…

2. Handling conflict the same way

We also learn to handle conflict from watching our parents.

And if they sucked at it, then we very often learned to suck at it as well.

Whether you shut down, yell and scream, use emotional manipulation, pull rank or throw blame around like it’s going out of fashion (it isn’t), these are the very same things you saw your parents do.

It’s non-functional, destructive and potentially damaging – to us and our relationships.

And yet we seem to do it on auto-pilot.

Why don’t they teach conflict resolution skills in school instead of differential calculus?

3. Using the same coping mechanisms

And of course, there’s the strategies we use to cope when every day life gets overwhelming.

When we’re feeling overtired, overwhelmed, overworked, overstimulated – just over it all.

We find ourselves:

• eating too much, or unhealthy food
• drinking to excess
• staying perpetually busy
• numbing out with drugs, social media or TV

Whatever they chose to do to cope, we find that we’ve adopted the same solutions (even if the form has changed slightly).

Me? I stay busy. My husband? He numbs out.

Can’t see that in our parents at all 🙄

Part 2 – Relationships / family

4. Choosing a partner(s) like our parents

Another way that we can spot that we’re repeating our parents’ behaviours is in our choice of partner.

As much as we swore we’d never marry a man/woman who behaved as badly as our parents, we somehow find ourselves with someone who VERY much reminds us of them.

I do believe that we choose our partners to help us work through this stuff, so it can sometimes be helpful.

BUT, it’s only helpful if we choose to see it as an opportunity to grow and learn.

All too often all we do is fall back into old habits, and project our issues onto our partner.

“Click whir” here we go again…

5. Playing the same role

And in our new family, we often find ourselves playing the same role as we did as a kid.

We’re a fully grown adult, and yet we’re still handling family life using the same strategies.

Maybe you were the peacekeeper, always stepping into resolve conflict and soothe egos.

Or maybe you were the fixer, running around trying to solve everyone’s problems so they’d be happy and just leave you alone.

Or maybe you were simply invisible, shrinking into the background, and making sure your needs and wants didn’t impose on anyone.

And here you are, playing that same role all over again.

Things were supposed to be different this time around….

6. Same dynamics at holidays and gatherings

This one is even harder to change, because you’re dealing with multiple generations, some of whom have no desire to change anything.

But you see the same dynamics show up at every Christmas, reunion and birthday party.

The same arguments, the same unresolved conflicts, the same people taking over, others running away.

And despite new partners and new children, nothing seems to change.

We’re creatures of habit.

I know every time I’m around my parents, I forget all my lived experience and go back to being their child.

At least that’s how it used to be. I think I’m getting better at staying true to myself in my dad’s presence, but I doubt I could have done it with my mum.

But those nasty dynamics keep showing up, despite our best efforts.

Part 3 – Patterns

7. Earning love through achievement

It doesn’t seem to matter how old we get or how much we’ve achieved, we still want to be recognised and valued.

And while that need is right and proper, we may find ourselves slipping back into trying to earn that approval through our actions.

Feeling like we need to do everything “just right” or do everything ourselves to ensure that our partner or kids will truly love us.

Because we never learned to feel that being ourselves was enough.

And so we keep doing more, more and more in the hopes that they’ll give us what we didn’t get as kids.

Funny how that one (never) works out!

8. Avoiding the same topics

Growing up, money was a tense topic in our house.

Any time my parents discussed money (which was rare) it was not a pleasant sight.

Thankfully, I’ve managed to keep an open discussion with my husband and kids around money, sex and death (three often challenging topics) although it still took some work to get there.

But there are still topics that are difficult for us to navigate, like emotions.

I don’t think I remember my parents ever talking about emotions – unless it was to tell me that mine were inappropriate.

So if there are topics in your life that you find yourself avoiding, just like your parents did, you might be repeating generational patterns.

9. Repeating money behaviours

And speaking of money, we may find ourselves dealing with money the same way our parents did.

Maybe we spend carelessly.

Maybe we’re always afraid of there never being enough.

Maybe we’re scathing in our discussion of people with wealth (“the @#%!& rich”).

Or maybe we just have the same arguments around money that our parents did.

And while you might think that money is irrelevant to generational pain and trauma, I disagree.

The way our society works means that money strongly dictates what we can and can’t do. It’s a form of power, and it can trap or free us.

Money is VERY emotional, and is closely tied our sense of self-worth and self-respect.

Our money habits can most definitely reflect our unresolved issues.

Part 4 – Parenting

10. Using our parents’ words

Speaking of emotional topics, parenting would have to be right there at the top of the list.

And yet we’re never taught how to parent well, or given a licence to parent.

We just fall pregnant – intentional or otherwise – and then fumble our way through raising the next generation.

So is it any surprise that at some point, we hear our parents’ words coming out of our mouths at our kids?

Even though we SWORE we’d never repeat those terrible words:

• “Just wait till your father gets home”
• “Because I said so”
• “I’ll give you something to cry about”
• “Don’t use that tone with me”
• “Why can’t you be like your brother/sister?”
• “Look what you made me do”

And the list goes on.

These words hurt the first time we heard them, and we’re just passing that onto our kids, despite our best intentions.

Hearing my parents’ words coming out my mouth was a huge wake-up call for me, and led me to learn NVC, EFT and all of my favourite somatic techniques, and begin my healing journey in earnest.

11. Using the same discipline styles

When we have nothing else to model, what else can we do but repeat our parents’ disciplinary style? Whether that’s permissive, authoritarian, or worse.

When I realised I had nothing good to fall back on, I went and learned about natural parenting, compassionate parenting, positive parenting and did a course on effective parenting.

I KNEW what I was doing was harmful and wasn’t working, but I didn’t know any better. I didn’t have any effective alternatives.

Whether it’s yelling, shaming, hitting, criticising, power-plays, bullying, or emotional blackmail, there are many, MANY ineffective ways to discipline our kids.

And if we find ourselves falling into our parents’ bad habits, then it’s time to take stock and make different choices.

12. Watching your kids repeat your mistakes

You had the best of intentions of giving your kids everything you didn’t have.

So why are they repeating the same mistakes you made, or struggling with the same issues you had as a kid?

As hard as this one is to stomach, it could be because you’re repeating generational patterns of pain and trauma, albeit unwittingly, and creating the same issues in your kids.

Sure, personality is part of it too, but every personality can be pushed in a helpful or harmful direction by the environment.

So if your kids seem to be falling into the same traps that you did, this might be an early warning sign to make a course correction in your parenting style.

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Ugh, that’s tough list to review.

I see so much of myself in there.

But there’s also a lot to celebrate – things that I’ve managed to do differently.

There’s also a lot more work to do, especially around my triggers, coping mechanisms and perfectionism.

All we can do is constantly hone this life into the best possible version in the current moment, and teach our kids the skills to do the same for themselves.

It heartens me that by teaching our kids the skill of mentalisation – essentially putting yourself in someone else’s shoes – we can interrupt the cycle of dysfunction.

Because parenting WHILE healing is the ultimate challenge.

And everyone on that path has my utmost respect, because I know from direct personal experience just how hard it can be.

But it’s totally worth every struggle.

And I know you can do it.

A quick recap

Twelve signs that you’re repeating generational patterns:

1. Having the same triggers
2. Handling conflict the same way
3. Using the same coping mechanisms
4. Choosing a partner(s) like our parents
5. Playing the same role
6. Same dynamics at holidays and gatherings
7. Earning love through achievement
8. Avoiding the same topics
9. Repeating money behaviours
10. Using our parents’ words
11. Using the same discipline styles
12. Watching your kids repeat your mistakes

There may be more signs than this, but this is a great place to start to evaluate the patterns in your own life.

What next?

• Take an honest look at your life. How many of these signs can you see occurring currently?
• How many of them have you already resolved? Take a moment to celebrate your achievements
• Which of these patterns is causing the most harm right now? Can you tackle that one first?
• If not, which active pattern is the easiest for you to shift first? Do that immediately if you can.
• What is the most important thing for you to address? What do you want to look back at in 12 months and see changed?

Having recognised these signs, the idea is to work on improving them, so you’re less likely to pass on unhelpful things to the next generation or whomever is around you.

So there’s less chance you’ll make the same mistakes your parents did, and less chance you’ll end up where they did.

And that’s an effort worth making.

Remember to download my guides to non-violent communication, EFT/meridian tapping and somatic healing techniques to help you release the past and create a better future for you and your kids

May you be able to see your patterns clearly today.

Love,

Nicola