Why I thought I didn’t have toxic shame
For a long time, I thought I didn’t have toxic shame.
I’d look at the five core symptoms of CPTSD – emotional flashbacks, the inner critic, social anxiety, self-abandonment and toxic shame – and think to myself “Well, at least I don’t have toxic shame”.
Until I realised that I do. In spades.
And it was hiding in plain sight.
What I thought toxic shame was…
You see, I always thought that toxic shame would look like beating yourself up, tearing strips of yourself at any chance, and feeling super small and unworthy.
And maybe that’s what it’s like for some people.
But that notion is also what stopped me seeing it in myself.
What my toxic shame actually looked like
Because for me, toxic shame was hiding under the guise of feeling guilty for EVERYTHING.
Broken email server? My fault.
Nothing to eat for lunch? My fault.
Daughter feeling moody? My fault.
Dog jumping up on everyone. My fault.
My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault.
It’s all my fault.
I take on responsibility for everything that’s not right
I came to this realisation when I was reflecting on my tendency to take on responsibility for anything that’s out of whack, in a heartbeat, almost before I’ve realised it.
The MOMENT something’s “not right” in my world, I’m in panic mode, wondering what I did wrong, often unconsciously.
Feeling guilty just case it was something I did that caused it.
Almost as though I feel guilty simply for existing.
That the very expression of myself in this world is enough of an explanation for things not being right.
When I put it like that, it seems ridiculous.
It’s obviously not logical.
But neither is CPTSD.
And yet, we find ourselves feeling guilty for the POSSIBILITY that our very existence is the reason for the most recent crisis in our lives.
How is constantly feeling guilty “in case I did something wrong” anything other than toxic shame?
Sure, maybe it’s not the clear, and concrete self-disdain or self-hatred that some people have.
But assuming by default that I’m to blame when things go wrong speaks to a pretty overblown sense of responsibility.
Where my toxic shame came from
And looking back, I can understand where it came from.
The moment my mother’s mood went off the rails, I’d desperately start searching for the thing I said or did wrong so I could try and fix things.
Of course, it never really worked, because it was never really about me, but that never stopped me from trying.
And while I’ve healed enough that I no longer react in such a concrete way when the world around me is out of whack, there’s that guilt eating away at me.
The nagging sense that maybe I did something wrong, and it’s up to me to make it right.
Feeling guilty that I didn’t do more, that I didn’t get it right the first time, that I didn’t do enough.
That’s totally toxic shame.
Shame vs guilt: The key difference
I guess if you look at shame vs guilt, shame is about your (or others’) opinion of you, whereas guilt is about your opinion of your actions.
Guilt is supposed to stop us from doing things that are socially unacceptable, and it’s generally an inward-focused experience.
But the problem comes when we feel guilt inappropriately.
When we feel guilty just for breathing, for existing, for being ourselves, for not being some “perfect ideal” (whatever the heck that is).
That’s toxic guilt (I did something wrong), and by association, toxic shame (I am wrong).
Sigh.
So no skipping that one for me!
I’m glad that I can now see my guilt knee-jerk reaction for what it is – a variation of toxic shame – so that I can begin to dismantle it.
I’m practising challenging the guilt, using logic, or questioning, or simply being aware of it when it happens, and I know that will weaken its hold on me over time.
A quick recap
- I thought I didn’t have toxic shame (one of the five core symptoms of CPTSD)
- My toxic shame was masked as feeling guilty for EVERYTHING
- I felt guilty just for existing, with a nagging sense that I’ve done something wrong
- I was feeling guilt inappropriately – I hadn’t done anything wrong
- I’m practising becoming aware of the guilt and challenging it
What next?
- Does hearing about my realisation put your experiences in a different light?
- Can you see some of yourself in me?
- Do you recall situations where you’ve taken on guilt inappropriately?
- Are you constantly feeling like everything’s your fault?
- Can you catch that guilt as it arises and challenge it?
Understanding that what we’re dealing with is just a modified form of toxic shame allows us to tackle it more constructively.
To realise that these feelings come from a corrupted view of ourselves, not a true and fair understanding of who we are and our right to exist.
I hope this helps you to see things in a new and improved light, and that you can practise noticing “toxic guilt” when it shows up for you.
May you have a guilt-free, light-hearted day.
And if you want to learn more about toxic shame and CPTSD, how it might be affecting you and how to begin to heal, I highly recommend Pete Walker’s book.
