We see signs of danger everywhere
Growing up with trauma or emotional abuse, we learn to watch out for the slightest hints.
Our systems are constantly on high alert, looking for the tiniest signs of danger.
- A funny facial expression
- An unusual noise
- Odd behaviour
- Something out of place
- Maybe just a “vibe”
Because recognising these signs early could mean the difference between facing down a soul-shredding tirade, or escaping safely to our place of refuge.
Unfortunately, when we bring those deeply ingrained habits into adulthood, they have an unintended side effect.
We’re so ready for the onslaught, that we begin seeing it where it doesn’t exist:
- The person at the checkout who’s abrupt and disinterested
- The driver who cuts us off in traffic
- The colleague who challenges our workplace plan
- The acquaintance who questions our life choices
- The partner who doesn’t mention our new look
- The pet who goes to our friend for a pat instead of us
These are no longer just things that happen during the course of our day.
Our “danger, danger” filter turns these into direct, personal attacks.
- The person at the checkout is a &%@#!
- That bad driver is an a-hole and trying to make us late
- Our colleague is trying to get us fired
- Our acquaintance is an interfering know-it-all who thinks we’re doing everything wrong
- Our partner doesn’t really love us
- Our pet is a fake cheating loveless betrayer
OK, so maybe some of those are exaggerations, but you get my point.
Sometimes, that’s exactly what happens.
We go straight from OK to under attack
If the world doesn’t respond to us in exactly the way we need it to, or expect it to, we’re being assailed.
We go straight from “everything’s OK” to “my world is falling apart”, with very little in between.
We’re primed to assume that everything is an attack.
And I get it.
It’s a skill we practiced over and over and over.
We had no choice.
But now we do have a choice.
We get to choose what stories to tell ourselves
We get to decide what things mean.
As grown-ups, we have the skills and resources to change the spin we put on things.
We can decide that maybe:
- The person at the checkout just broke up with their boyfriend, or is dealing with something equally upsetting
- That “bad” driver is rushing to the hospital to be with their sick spouse
- Our colleague is actually trying to help and wants to make our plan even better, so they don’t have to take the project on
- Our acquaintance is genuinely curious and wants to know more about our lives, goals and abilities
- Our partner is preoccupied trying to figure out how they’re going to fix the mess someone else created at work today
- Our pet is full of energy, and is super excited to meet someone new, but will be covering us with slobber and hair the moment the other person leaves or stops patting them
And how we choose to interpret what happens to us is EVERYTHING.
We’re the ones making up stories in our heads about what things mean.
The trouble is, these emotionally charged stories are very compelling. They’re hard to ignore.
And they also match what our nervous system learned to expect. So they seem 100% true, even when they’re not.
How do we stop reacting like we’re under attack?
So what can we do about it?
For starters, we need to separate our sense of self, who we are and our sense of safety from the things we say, or do, or put out into the world.
Easier said than done, but that’s the target we’re aiming for.
We want to distinguish between:
- the things that happen to us, and
- our feelings and opinions about ourselves
Sure, as humans, we’re hard-wired to care what others think about us.
But that doesn’t have to translate into these events being a threat to our very existence.
Unwanted things happening ≠ There’s something wrong with me
Unpleasant experience ≠ My life is in danger
(Note: ≠ means “does not equal”)
That’s the decoupling we need to figure out.
We have to start by choosing to believe that these things are not necessarily an attack.
We then need to explore other possible interpretations of what happened, more benign ones wherever we can.
We need to talk ourselves into believing that one of those better explanations is the true one, even if it’s only because it feels better to believe that.
We need to practice seeing that who we are and what we do are precious and unique and valuable, regardless of what anyone says or does in response.
We need to accept that other people will always do and say things that we don’t like, but that it doesn’t have to mean anything about us.
A quick recap
- Our past experiences primed us to see everything as an attack
- We interpret anything that happens that we don’t like as a direct personal attack
- We invent stories about what these experiences mean, to match up with the feeling of being threatened
- These stories are very compelling and seem completely believable and true
- We need to separate what we put out into the world from our sense of safety
- We need to separate our view of ourselves from how others react or what happens to us
What next?
To put this into practice:
- Start noticing the times when you feel attacked
- Pay attention to the specific actions or responses that create that feeling
- Choose to believe (despite the evidence) that this is NOT an attack
- Look for the other possible explanations for what just happened
- Pick a better-feeling story and decide that THAT’S the one you’ll believe
- Decide that you ARE allowed to exist and you ARE allowed to be you
- Let other people have their reactions, regardless of what they are
- Practice seeing others’ reactions as their responsibility, and NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU
Not an easy one to do, especially when your nervous system hasn’t got the memo yet.
But as you practice separating yourself, your sense of safety, your self-worth, from the things that happen to you, or the things you put out into the world, or the way that people react, you WILL feel attacked less often.
You’ll understand that your only job is focusing on you, and you don’t have to try and appease the world to feel OK about yourself.
Let’s start telling ourselves better stories!
What better story can you tell yourself about something that happened today?
If you struggle with a nervous system on high alert, make sure you download my grounding guide, which contains more than 90 techniques to help you feel safe, secure and fully present, right now.
And have an amazing day,
Love,
Nicola
