How we get derailed by danger signals
One of the most powerful things we learn during prolonged trauma is to recognise danger signals.
We learn to spot – in a fraction of a heartbeat – the things that are a threat to our safety, and we react without thinking.
And we practice this skill over, and over and over and over and over….
Until it is SO ingrained that:
- We don’t even realise it’s happening to us as adults, and, even worse
- We NEVER question it
Our basic survival depended on us recognising those signs as early as possible, to minimise the damage.
So we come to believe the following statement:
“If X happens, then I am not safe”.
Now, X will be different for all of us, but we believe this statement 100%.
It is burned into our nervous systems, and as far as we are concerned, IT IS TRUE.
Except that it’s not…
What this looks like in everyday life
Let me give you an example.
My husband really struggles when I question his point of view.
I’m not doing it to be difficult.
Usually it’s because he hasn’t explained something clearly enough for me to understand.
Or perhaps I’m trying to understand his reasoning for making a particular choice.
Again, not so I can undermine it, but so I can meet him where he’s at.
But for him X = having his thoughts and actions questioned.
And for years, me asking him questions about something he’s doing has triggered an emotional flashback.
He’s growing to be more aware of it, and understand intellectually that I am not the threat.
But his nervous system doesn’t believe that.
As far as it’s concerned, I’m the threat, and if he’s not careful, his full set of defences come to bear on me.
Which is not pleasant – for either of us – and has caused many difficult interactions over the years.
My own personal “danger, danger” triggers
And as for me, I’m sure there are plenty of X’s, but two that spring to mind are:
- Being under time pressure
- Having to “perform”, which usually means interacting with people I don’t feel close to (which is most people)
I can see where both of those came from, and I still struggle to settle my nervous system when either of those comes into play.
I genuinely don’t feel safe in either of those contexts, and it’s incredibly difficult to get my system to feel otherwise.
Logic doesn’t work in these circumstances because this was never logical.
It’s emotional, it’s physical, maybe it’s even spiritual.
Whatever it is, we’ve embodied those beliefs so wholeheartedly that they run our lives.
How to stop these overreactions running our lives
So what can we do about it?
1. Recognise when it happens
Well, firstly, we have to be able to see it, and for most, that’s the biggest challenge.
We’re so busy feeling threatened that it’s impossible for us to consider the possibility that the threat comes from our beliefs, our wiring, our nervous system, and NOT the person standing in front of us.
That’s why I love Pete Walker’s process for handling emotional flashbacks.
The first step is to recognise that you’re having an emotional flashback.
And the second is to say to yourself, ” I feel afraid, but I am not in danger.”
The first time I tried to do this with my “rush, rush, rush” time pressure trigger, I COULD NOT say the words “I am not in danger”.
My entire body rebelled and REFUSED to speak them.
Because it believed the opposite to be true, and it was not willing to let that idea go, and risk being hurt.
2. Separate our response from the events
And secondly, once we’ve recognised what’s actually happening for us, we have to separate the stimulus from the response.
Like Pavlov’s dogs, we’ve been so strongly conditioned to believe that “if X happens, then I am not safe”, that we see the trigger and the threat as one and the same.
We genuinely believe that being questioned is dangerous, or that talking to strangers is a threat.
But we have to gently, but firmly, tease the two apart.
Yes, this “thing” is happening to us. That part is 100%, absolutely true.
But, no, we are NOT in danger. We aren’t. We just aren’t.
We are adults, in grown-up bodies, with access to skills and resources that we didn’t previously have.
And right, in this moment, we are safe.
I am safe. I am safe. I am safe.
Simple, but not easy. Totally worth it.
A quick recap
- We learned to recognised threats in a heartbeat
- We genuinely believe “if X happens, then I am not safe”
- X is different for all of us, but the result is the same
- Our response is not logical, it’s burned into our nervous systems
- Step 1 – Recognise your reaction as an emotional flashback
- Step 2 – Separate the trigger – the stimulus – from the reaction
What next?
- Play with the idea that just because you feel threatened, it does not mean that you ARE being threatened*
- Notice when you’re feeling threatened and try seeing it as an emotional flashback
- See if you can separate the trigger from the reaction
- Practice telling yourself that you are safe, and seeing all the ways that in this moment you ARE safe, even if you don’t feel safe
* Note: If you genuinely aren’t safe, as in situations of abuse or violence, this is not what I’m referring to here. If you are being threatened – physically, mentally or emotionally – please seek help.
Can you entertain the possibility that feeling threatened is actually your nervous system talking, and may not be an accurate reflection of reality?
I sincerely hope you can, because this is key to releasing the grip of trauma.
I’d love to hear how you go with this. Remember to grab your free guide below.
And have an awesome day,
Nicola
