How to process anger and trauma without getting overwhelmed

Why feeling your anger is essential for healing

After my recent article about the courage to feel, I wanted to go into more detail for you.

Specifically, I wanted to explain exactly:

• what my husband is doing to titrate his anger
• what he’s experiencing day-to-day
• how we’re figuring out what works for him
• why expressing anger can be so powerful

So I mentioned in that other article that working with an energy healer caused big healing releases that were too much for my husband.

He simply couldn’t process that much emotion at once, and he was reverting to shoving it down or spewing it out.

And that’s never going to work.

Emotions need to move

To heal, you have to FEEL your emotions. You need to feel things to release them.

Not shove them down or take them out on others, or any of the things we do to avoid feeling them.

So we backed off that approach and considered our options.

Because what we both know, now that we understand CPTSD a little better, is how important angering is for healing.

So we wanted to find a successful way through this minefield of emotion.

His anger is locked away on his neck

And in a seemingly unrelated turn of events, he has had a lipoma (a benign fatty lump) on the back of his neck for around 10 years, that he’s decided he’s ready to get rid of.

But we looked at the surgical options, and given that it sits right over his spinal cord, we’re not keen on that approach.

Of course, every doctor tells you it’s perfectly safe, but it’s a risk we’re not willing to take.

The reason I’m sharing this, is that along the way, I also stumbled across an article talking about the fact that older men often develop lipomas, and that there’s a metaphysical connection to unprocessed anger.

Interesting…

So we’re working on the theory that the lipoma might be connected to his unexpressed anger, and if we can deal with one, the other might resolve itself.

More on that later.

Grieving the impact of CPTSD

In Peter Walker’s book on CPTSD, he talks about some essential practices that all survivors of trauma need to utilise to grieve what happened to them.

Specifically, this grieving takes the form of:

1. angering – raging and complaining about the past
2. crying – soothing and dissolves fear and shame
3. verbal ventilating – describing painful feelings or bodily sensations
4. feeling – more subtle experiencing of our internal world

Using a combination of these approaches, can help us to grieve what was lost, and process the feelings that arise, leading to healing and recovery.

Grieving can also help to reduce emotional flashbacks, and especially in the early stages, can also be quickly derailed by a vicious inner critic. (Read Pete’s book to learn more.)

For me, I think I’ve done a lot of my grieving through feeling, crying and some verbal ventilating, but having learned as a child that my anger was unacceptable, this one has been harder for me to access.

Finding ways to SAFELY deal with anger

For my husband, however, his anger is right there under the surface. Literally.

So much so, that he’s also currently also dealing with histamine intolerance, which is apparently another manifestation of unexpressed anger, so the signs have been pretty hard to ignore.

It’s time for him to deal with his anger.

And when anger is used constructively, it can be incredibly healing, reducing our fear and shame and powerlessness and the chance that we’ll repeat harmful patterns.

So what we’ve discovered is that the very same cream we’ve been applying to try and naturally dissolve his lipoma, has been stirring up his anger.

As in, there’s a direct correlation between applying it to his neck, and him feeling more intense emotions.

When we were using it every day, the anger was too much, and we had to stop completely to avoid overloading his ability to cope.

So we then switched to every other day, and that seems more manageable.

Now his emotions ebb and flow in intensity to match this rhythm.

Titration and pendulation are effective and gentle

I find this absolutely fascinating, and pretty strong evidence that his anger is indeed what’s tied up in his lipoma.

On the days when we apply the cream, he feels a range of emotions swelling up throughout the day – sometimes anger, sometimes grief, sometimes hurt, sometimes shame.

And then on the “off” days, when we don’t apply the cream, his stability returns and his mood is more upbeat.

(I find the emotional-physical connection absolutely fascinating. We are simultaneously biochemically and metaphysically driven. The human body is truly miraculous.)

So as he learns to notice his emotions, he’s more able to tell when he’s had too much ointment, and whether he’s ready to handle some more.

We’re titrating and pendulating his anger.

Stepping into it. Stepping back out. (Pendulating)

Releasing a little bit, just as much as he can handle, then taking a break. (Titrating)

Each day, we check to see how he’s doing, and whether he needs to pause.

Releasing intense emotions gradually

We’re doing it in a manageable way.

We’re also noticing that his emotions are shifting and changing – both in nature and intensity.

So while we initially thought it was primarily about anger, he’s more recently been going through sadness, frustration, flatness and a wide range of other emotions as well.

And because of his recent decision to find the courage to feel (see last week’s email), he’s able to not only sit with whatever comes up, but also have the courage to dive into each new titration cycle.

It’s too early to see any physical impact, and dealing with emotions is also quite new for him, but I have every confidence that in 6 to 12 months, not only will the emotions be much less intense, but I also expect to see a marked difference in his lipoma.

Only time will tell.

A quick recap

• My husband’s been dealing with anger and other emotions welling up
• Angering is an important part of grieving the losses of CPTSD
• Massive releases were too much for him so we’ve been using titration and pendulation instead
• We discovered that a cream intended to dissolve lipomas naturally has simultaneously been stirring up his emotions
• By using the cream every second day, he’s been able to handle the emotions without getting overwhelmed
• By angering with titration, he’s actually making forward progress with his healing

What next?

1. Do you relate to this story of anger, and not being able to handle the intensity of your emotions?
2. Have you noticed for yourself that you don’t handle big healing releases well and instead need to take things slower?
3. Which of the grieving processes do you think suits you best – angering, crying, ventilating or feeling?
4. Have you noticed a physical connection to your emotions? What might your anger or sadness or shame be connected to in your body?
5. Have you tried titration and pendulation in your healing work? Would you be willing to give it a try?

I really hope you incorporate these ideas of titration and pendulation into your healing journey, because they can mean the difference between staying trapped and moving forward.

And if you want to learn more about healing from CPTSD, I highly recommend Pete Walker’s book. It changed our lives.

May you find your unique, manageable path through the world of healing.

Love,

Nicola